Got Beef?

I was going to weigh in this week on Tucker Carlson being fired by Fox but the thought of writing about him made me nauseous.

More nauseating was that Tucker was the highest rated host on cable news (Note: By a lot), probably in great part for spewing a lot of American nativist rhetoric with racist, sexist and anti-Semitic dog whistles.

Boy bye!

Yeah, when you resist calling someone a racist, sexist Jew hater outright you couch it with phrases like dog whistles so you don’t sound overly vitriolic and hysterical from the get-go.  But I’m not even sure there’s much value to that these days.

I just finished watching Netflix’s original, mesmerizing and often confounding limited series Beef.  It stars Steven Yeun and Ali Wong as two people involved in what can kindly be called a road rage incident that escalates into a full out war to their metaphorical deaths.

Like their episode one characters, I used to flip off people in my car for doing something I saw as particularly egregious like cutting me off or driving too fast or too slow.

As most people who live in Los Angeles do at least two, or three, or four hundred times during their lives. 

But I don’t do it anymore because I’ve learned to prioritize and have had years of therapy. 

Still that doesn’t work for everyone.

I get it

As Mr. Yeun cautions Ms. Wong in one of the best lines in the series:

Western therapy doesn’t work on eastern minds.

Good as that observation is in the context of those characters, I’m wondering whether insight and appropriately channeled anger is all that it’s cracked up to be for any one of us in 2023. 

I mean, giving someone the finger is certainly a healthier reaction than, say, shooting them in the head.

When can we move to the moon?

It also beats disowning a relative simply because you disagree with their politics.  It even trumps (Note: Sorry) living each day waiting for the next misogynist, bigoted or privilege-enabled remark someone makes just so you can toss out your very well rehearsed retort back to silence them.

Flipping someone off the old-fashioned way is just so… clean.   

Like a succinct stroll down memory lane of the way things used to be.  If only it didn’t lead to the kind of inevitable destruction and death the way it sometimes does in Beef, and now too frequently happens in real life, I’d do it all day. 

And night.

… and it beats the alternatives!

Here’s just a brief list of things and circumstances that would get my middle finger this week:

1 – Montana Rep. Kerri Seekins-Crowe sponsored a bill in the state to ban gender-affirming care for transgender minors, even with parental approval.  And in a speech she made on the floor of the legislature she went viral for saying she’d rather risk her daughter dying of suicide than allow her to transition

She backed this up by proclaiming her own daughter was, in fact, suicidal for three years.  And when someone once asked her if she wouldn’t do anything to help save her, Rep. KSC’s response, after some thought, was a firm:

No…I was not going to give in to her emotional manipulation…I was not going to let her tear apart my family and I was not going to let her tear me apart…

Big time

Really?  Well, here’s my f-n middle finger Kerri. Choke on it.  And if your daughter happens to read this she can feel free to shoot me an email.  She might not be trans, you don’t ever quite say, but quite clearly she’s depressed and needs to be around someone who will not only listen but also hear what’s on her mind. #BiteMe #MissHannigan #YoureAStoneColdWtch

2- During a Congressional hearing on school closures during COVID, US Congresswoman and national embarrassment Marjorie Taylor-Greene (GA-R) this week asked Randi Weingarten, president of the American Federation of Teachers and a married out lesbian, if she was a mother. 

When Ms. Weingarten answered that she was a mother by marriage, aka a stepmother, large Marge called her out by declaring she was not a biological mother.  She later went on to emphasize: The problem is, people like you need to admit… you’re a political activist, not a teacher, not a mother, and not a….

Get the picture?

Well, you get the picture….of me sticking my middle finger in her eye and up her…

And that would cheer my late and fabulous stepmother Shelly, who I think about daily, to no end.  And I can also guarantee that if my biological mother Marion were still alive to hear this she would literally say Marjorie Taylor-Greene can go f-ck herself! Just who in the hell does she think she is, anyway??

3- At his civil rape trial this week, Trump’s lawyer Joe Tacopina grilled writer E. Jean Carroll on the validity of the events that led her to file a suit against his client decades later for assaulting and raping her in a Bergdof Goodman dressing room in the mid-1990s.

Who is casting these lawyers?

At one point in his cross-examination, Tacopina blithely used the word supposedly when referring to Ms. Carroll’s accusation.

Not supposedly.  I was raped, she retorted.

That’s your version, Ms. Carroll.  That you were raped, Tacopina countered.

Those are the facts, she insisted.

It then escalated when he pressed her on why she didn’t scream.

I’m not a screamer…I was fighting.  You can’t beat up on me for not screaming.

Let’s start there…

Denying her was beating up on her, Tacopina continued on with that style of questioning, but Ms. Carroll was not having any of it, noting that women often stay silent about attacks for years because they’re afraid of being questioned on why they didn’t physically do more to stop it.

They are always asked, why didn’t you scream?… I’m telling you he raped me, whether I screamed or not…

Clearly, Ms. Carroll doesn’t need me, or any man, to defend her from questioning by an attorney that seems like a bit player who never made it on camera during all six seasons of The Sopranos.

Nevertheless, I will. 

Hey Joe — This is why you are in the minority and the reason why most people under 40 are merely waiting for you and your kind to die off and go away so this can be a better world.  My only regret is I will likely not live long enough to dance on all of your graves.  In the meantime, here’s an Instagram photo of the biggest digit in my right hand to put under your pillow. #DouchyMcDouche

and it’s on fire!

4 –Former South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley, an announced 2024 Republican presidential candidate who is polling at barely 6%, far behind Trump and DeSantis and not even close enough to surpass Mike Pence, decided to weigh on in on, of all things, the subject of AGE a few days ago in a Hail Mary attempt to get into the news cycle.

So desperate is she for attention that after Pres. Biden this week announced his reelection campaign, Ms. Haley warned on Fox News that he wouldn’t make it to the end of a second term.

Oh for the love of god

…I think we can all be very clear and say with a matter of fact that if you vote for Joe Biden you really are counting on a President Harris, because the idea that he would make it until 86 years old is not something that I think is likely.


And so good to know she’s got a bead on these things.

Not that it matters but…Biden’s Mom lived to be 92 and ½ and his Dad made it to 87.  And they died a full one and two decades ago, respectively.    Which means that given the president’s genes, access to top quality health care and the advances in medical science, he could easily live to be…100.

He will outlive us all just to spite you

Suck on my middle finger, Nikki, until you can figure out some other strategy to lift yourself up from the hellscape that your life has become.  You also might rethink tossing a Molotov cocktail across the bow at Kamala.  In the minds of many in your party, you two have A LOT MORE in common than you might think.  #ThinkAboutIt

5-  And speaking of middle fingers, what about….Succession??  I, for one, was thrilled when the old fart dropped dead.  F-CK ‘EM!  ALL of them.  And randy Cousin Greg, too. 

Because do you really care at this point what happens to the fictionalized HBO version of Fox News when we get to see the real one, and its family, slowly imploding before our eyes, in the actual news cycle, each week?

for emphasis… of course

I’ll raise BOTH my middle fingers to that.  And all of yours, if I could.

Charlie Day – “Go F*ck Yourselves”

Go ahead and gloat

The Chair is a loyal family member and friend, a devoted educator and a writer who tries, though does not always succeed, to see all sides of an issue in his work.

But the Chair is tired of being nice and taking the high road.

Aren’t you?

OK here we go!

I know many of you are because I received countless (Note: Okay, more than a dozen) gleeful, hopeful and prayerful messages this week that the indictment of Donald Trump means that he is finally going to be held responsible for his countless crimes against — HUMANITY!

Oh, of course not humanity.

It’s just for things like falsifying his business records while paying hush money to a porn star and then lying about it everywhere he saw fit.

YAWN… that old chestnut?

My friends worry that this case isn’t important enough or strong enough to get him. They call me to assuage their worries about things like that, though I can’t imagine why.

But I tell them to think of this indictment as an appetizer to a four or five course meal.

Or maybe simply a palate cleanser before the real meal begins.

Just the teeniest tiniest sampling

There is so much to look forward to: vote tampering, perjury, illegal possession of government documents, inciting an insurrection against the US government, cooking the books of your real estate business and pilfering multimillions of dollars to bolster a fortune you overestimate or underestimate to the IRS, depending on the day and what benefits you – though not necessarily in that order.

One supposes crimes against humanity could eventually be on that much longer list once the last rock is turned over and the last orange-hued cockroach is forced from its hiding place.  But who knows?  By that time we might be onto something else and he just might not be available for us to kick around anymore.

Hey guys!

And no, I’m not suggesting or threatening anyone!   And if I were, I certainly wouldn’t do it in writing.  And I definitely wouldn’t do it in public.

Unlike some people.

This is more than I can say for scores of the friends, relatives, acquaintances and strangers that have crossed my path over the last eight years.

Ever since Trump floated the idea of running for president, and right around the time he spread the false story that Pres. Obama, our first Black president, wasn’t born in this country, the seemingly nicest people in the world I’ve known and/or never met until that moment, have wished him death and fates worse than that.

And quite often, they’ve felt a bit guilty about it.

OK you got me Thor

I might not have learned a lot in therapy but one thing I’ve realized is that guilt is a wasted emotion unless it serves to suppress some abhorrent action.

Meaning that wishing someone a slow and painful torturous existence, or even death, is not the same as killing him/her/them or spending your time making sure they suffer in all kinds of imaginable and unimaginable ways.

In fact, it might even be healthy to wish all of those things on someone you loathe in the midst of a bile-filled tantrum of your choice, provided you don’t act on it.

Do they have prime delivery options?

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me…after all.

Despite the fact that name-calling is a well-known, and guiltless, international Trumpian pastime.

This is why I also tell everyone that crosses my path who feels the need to confess that they have never wished any one person this much particular evil to… have at it!!

I do this because I know it’s healthy to vent but mostly due to the fact that after all these years I get they are far, far, FAR from ALONE.

I would include myself on this list of people.

Always accepting members

In my entire life, which is at this point is much longer than hypochondriacal me ever thought it would be in my younger years, I have never encountered a single public or private figure who has ever elicited so much bile from me and from so many others on such an unrelenting, and almost daily, basis.

It rivals the meanest mean girl (or guy) I knew in high school and brings to mind what came out of the mouth of the angriest and most egregious middle school complainer in the world.

Okay, the latter could even be me on certain days.  But still –

Oh fudge!

Rather than squash the instinct and provoke self-induced heart attacks or binge drinking, I want to let everyone know, and all those I don’t know, that  — IT’S OKAY.

Yell, gloat and say what you will in the privacy of your own home (Note: Or in selected public places to pre-screened selected audiences).

It doesn’t make you a bad person.

Not to mention, whatever you are thinking or saying, we’ve all likely thought worse.  And in my case, A LOT worse.

… that’s just for me to know

This begs the question of what he’s likely thinking and saying in regards to the likes of you and your kind – presently or in the past.  Or even future.

But the difference between him and us is that we don’t act out or act on those thoughts.  We’re in no danger of getting indicted for them because they’re not crimes.

Most certainly, they’re not crimes against humanity.

Which is more than I can say for….

Well, now I don’t even really need to say it.

“Bad Things” – Machine Gun Kelly & Camila Cabello