Just Give Me a Shot!

The Chair is eligible for a COVID vaccine and, after many, many, many MANY tries, finally got an appointment for the first shot on Monday.  This is no small thing for someone who lives in Los Angeles, the national epicenter for COVID infection during the month of January. 

screams internally

There are good things and bad things about being eligible right now to get the shot.

1. Bad: You are, for the most part, in a very high-risk group of getting infected and perhaps dying from the disease.

2. Good:  There IS a vaccine and, with any luck, soon everyone will get one.  So in essence, it’s all good.

But LUCK is the key word. 

Another is PRIVILEGE.

JUST DON’T SAY OLD!

Still another is comedy of errors, if one can find humor in such things.

And if one were REALLY cynical (Note: And at this point, who isn’t?) one might also add key words and phrases like:

  1. Herculean, near impossible, challenge
  2. Severe disorganization
  3. Sheer, near criminal, incompetence of the prior Administration, or
  4. Sheer, purposeful and actual criminal indifference (Note: And perhaps willing passive genocide of the masses) by the prior Administration in order to open up the economy (Note: Admittedly a hair-brained scheme and one that didn’t work) in order to remain in power

Still, I digress.

Catharsis

It is not lost on anyone sane (Note: which eliminates at least two newly elected U.S. congresswomen) that after less than two weeks of a Biden-Harris Administration there is now a national vaccination plan by the federal government and a seemingly miraculous surge of shots in arms. (#MiracleORMedicine?)

That is, if you can figure out how to get one in a nation of 328 million people.

This is where luck AND ingenuity comes in.

Not entirely incorrect

It might be strangely reassuring to some that many wealthy, privileged and even famous people are having as much trouble booking an appointment at this point as the next guy or gal.

Except Cher.  I’m sure Cher has gotten one.  And frankly, she deserves it for making it this far. 

Please, the COVID vaccine WANTS Cher! #queen

Though on second thought, I doubt even COVID would have had a chance of stopping either her or, say, Keith Richards.  Nevertheless, pandemic past as prologue best not to tempt fate.                       

Which brings us back to ingenuity and luck, something those two know something about.

(Note:  Those are random names that came to mind.  Please feel free to substitute anyone you know OR don’t know but have feelings about, even yourself).

SHOTS FOR DAMES!

Among the people I know in my COVID vaccine eligible group, which is many, I’m one of the last, if not THE last, to procure an appointment. 

I registered at the county site, emailed doctors, stayed in touch with a hospital I’ve had other shots and procedures at, scoured social media and even begged friends to give me their secret. 

Bupkus.

No appointments, no openings in your area…

NOOOOO

Well, at one point there was something at a sketchy clinic I never heard of in an area I was unfamiliar with.  And after living in L.A. for almost four decades, that’s really saying something.  But even there, I was told I could get one shot but for the second I was on my own.

That means the clock would start ticking every day for 21 days after getting that first injection and the Hunger Games shoot for the next vaccine would start all over again.

He knows it’s true

I figured the stress of that could do me in sooner than COVID given my personality type so I decided, um, no. Thank you, next.

Then two people in a row I knew booked, then another, then three more.

Chair, I told you to type in the place I just signed up at.  They HAVE appointments!!!

No, they f-n don,’t, I replied.  It says, no appointments are available, check back later.  I’m not an idiot!

Nor am I lucky.  OR ingenious.  That’s even less debatable than the Jewish Space Laser aimed at California that caused the wildfires several months ago.

Meanwhile, parents of acquaintances, Facebook friends of friends I didn’t know who lived nearby, even some people I heard about who weren’t sure they wanted a shot to begin with but just figured, ah the heck with it, , I guess if they’re offering, were posting photos with their names, first vaccine date verified, and second appointment confirmed, everywhere I looked.

Meanwhile, I have now not used my car in two weeks, a near impossible feat in a town in the City of Dreams.  Or, well, former dreams.

Though, where would I be going anyway during this surge upon a surge where no one of my age or medical condition can drive or walk down the street without someone shaking their head in pity.

Excuuuuuuuuse me?

But here’s the good news.  Again.  I wasn’t sick.  Or dead.  Yet.

But nor was I as smart as I thought I was.  Perhaps I was no longer smart AT ALL.  And NEVER WAS.

What I can say I’ve always been is determined and relentless.  Meaning in a new burst of energy, I was now checking the county and hospital websites at least five times a day (Note: Okay, maybe six or eight),  I was even getting more positive thinking.  I KNEW I’d get that little sucker of an appointment soon.  It was just a matter of perseverance.  Hell, I’d eked out a Hollywood writing career by mostly not giving up.  This would be a piece of cake compared to that.

MOVE

Or so I told myself.

Which is why this week I almost lost it.  After checking the online site that very morning I drove (Note: Finally!) to a medical appointment with my urologist (Note: Over share, I know) and while I was in the exam room waiting for my doctor,  I got a text from a close friend  saying she had LITERALLY JUST REGISTERED for a shot at THIS PLACE and to DO IT NOW!

Me, all week

Well, I had already given my sample, so I figured, oh, who cares, if a nurse comes in wanting something else they’ll understand.   I start typing on my phone but you know about Internet signals in medical buildings, right?

 But why had I just received my friend’s text and now couldn’t….

Oh, screw this sideways and backwards.  And this time I mean it.

I put my phone away, swearing I’d now NEVER get the vaccine, out of spite.

Of course, that didn’t happen because as soon as you give up on something a door opens (Note: Especially when you don’t care anymore.  I should have remembered this from all the bad relationships I had in my twenties). This weekend my sister texted me that a guy posted on Twitter that CSUN (California State University at Northridge) had just opened a number of appointments.

I type in my zip code.  Nothing.  Then I thought to type in the Northridge zip code.  Something.

Well hello Chair, choose your date and time!!  Pfizer or Moderna?

Cut to me singing Age of Aquarius

All this is to say, it’s not you.  It’s THEM.  And no, it shouldn’t have to be this hard.

Until then my best advice is this:

Fight every battle like you’re Cicely Tyson in the sixties and seventies.

She was a goddess.  I had to.

RIP MS. TYSON (1924-2021)

Cast of Hamilton – “My Shot”

THE BEST OF THE WORST

Let’s agree not to say or write 2020 was the worst year we can remember because, well, we don’t know what’s coming next.

I mean, no one could have predicted this sh-t show, this confluence of events, this utter turd avalanche that hit the world, and the United States in particular, for the last 12 months.

Sure, some of it.  But…all of it???

You can’t primarily blame any one person, but here on my throne in Hollywood I do

so, privately, each day.  And I do so publicly once or twice a week when I go on his twitter page and simply type –

LOSER. YOU LOST!

It’s cheaper than renting this van!
(currently googling how much it would be to rent this van #2021)

My husband thinks it’s immature and silly but hey, it makes me feel productive AND a lot better, two things I haven’t experienced much of since, well, 2019.

Admittedly, I do it partly in the hopes that he might see it or someone else will who could tell him.  But I mostly do it because one of the few positive things I’ve learned in this horrifically awful past year is that if some small act that doesn’t involve drug taking or violence lightens your load then hey, why not?

Does that make me no better than a Karen or a Ken

I’m gonna need to talk to the manager

Well, that’s for others to judge.  Which, I’ve also learned in the last year, is inevitable.

Speaking of judgments, I will admit that in wanting to normalize 2020, i.e. not give it any MORE than the already underserved and very extra special attention it’s currently getting, I attempted to make a traditional best and worst list.

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Everything bad couldn’t come close to the totality of the year itself, so why list any one of them individually?  Everything good was simply just that — good.  Not great, not list worthy and certainly nothing much to write home, or here, about.

Perhaps there should be a moratorium on lists and awards for anything to the end of time for this entire year? 

Can someone make that rule? 

Joe?  Kamala?

She’s on it. #MOREMAYA2021

Do we want to give anyone that much executive power ever again?

I gotta say once I get past all the virus, disease, death, mask wearing and hand sanitizing of it all, well, there isn’t a lot left except the nascent smell of alcohol permeating everything in my room or on my person. 

Certainly not enough to explore the issue of executive power with.

And if there were I left them in a recorded Zoom chat that has likely already been permanently deleted. 

2021 – Year of the Hammer

Though as we all now know, nothing is permanent and certainly not one bit of it is EVER permanently DELETED.

I will say binging all six seasons of Schitt’s Creek nicely filled up a dozen or more evenings in our house this year.   And learning I’m not that unlike David Rose, only THREE decades older, filled a few online therapy sessions.

I found my religion

There were also the Sarah Cooper videos lip synching to audio of that LOSER spouting off recommendations of bleach injections; Leslie Jones’ Twitter commentary on those opining on the state of the world due to the LOSER; and a barrage of so much cable news that I became obsessed with writing to MSNBC’s Steve Kornacki, gay man to gay man, in an effort to get him to purchase a shirt, jacket and pair of pants that fit him right.  That’s how much I felt obligated, as a newfound friend, to tell him. The same for Pete Buttigieg.

Of course, Kornacki was just voted one of the sexiest guys alive (Note: People’s “Chartthrob’) and Pete is moving to D.C. to be in Biden’s cabinet so in the long run it’s probably a good thing I didn’t excel at follow through all during all this turmoil.

Leaving that to Chasten… for now

Though watching Ryan Murphy’s Netflix version of The Prom was a great big gay piece of bubble gum that gave me relief for about as long as, well, bubble gum lasts. I could also say the same for Disney’s Hamilton, David Fincher’s Mank (Note: Watch Amanda Seyfried steal the Glenn Close’s eighth chance at an Oscar this April!), every Christmas movie on Hallmark and Lifetime and all of the many offerings on Turner Classic Movies that temporarily kept me from going insane.

Except for the Westerns.  I hate the TCM (or any, really) Westerns. There, I said it. 

Way harsh Chairy!

Though I did enjoy Damien Chazelle’s dramatic musical limited series, The Eddy (Note: Somehow sorta gay) as well as The Queen’s Gambit (Note: Somehow VERY gay).  Thanks Netflix and don’t think I haven’t noticed your 2020 recommendations have now confirmed a sort of, VERY definite pattern.   

Though not a list.  Never a list.

Which brings me to the one thing I DO gravitate towards and couldn’t resist this year  — the 2020 f-k off videos.

This… exactly.

If there were a best of list to be rightfully made for this past road kill of an almost obsolete calendar it would be each and every one of them.

You might want to listen to this viral TikTok ditty from this all female group called Avenue Beat, literally entitled “Fuck 2020.”  This year being what it is, it shouldn’t surprise anyone to learn that these three young childhood friends from Quincy, Ill., who have been singing together since they were 14 year old, have already been getting major nasty Internet blowback for all the attention they’re getting.  To which I reiterate their message of:

Though equally as good was the Toronto advertising agency, Public Inc., that produced the ultimate mental health PSA, #Eff2020.  It’s everything you’ve thought and/or screamed at your TV, or out loud in small, socially distanced groups when you were feeling especially feisty  – aka – All. The. Time.

That being said, perhaps we should close out the year on some small positive note of… hope? I’m not an especially spiritual soul except when it comes to the white witchery of Stevie Nicks. 

She released this haunting new song in October and no one told me. 

But, I found it anyway.

And if that’s not a road map for 2021, well…..

Stevie Nicks – “Show Them The Way”