Herstory

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Hillary Clinton made history this week when she became the first female nominee from one of the two major parties in the U.S. for president. Then several days later Sen. Elizabeth Warren became the darling of left, center and center-right wing sanity by giving a rousing takedown speech eviscerating Republican nominee Donald Trump as both a loud, nasty, thin-skinned fraud and a small, insecure, thin-skinned, wannabe tyrant.

Normally it’s not recommended to repeat adjectives like thin-skinned twice in alternating phrases but in this case it didn’t matter. Sen. Warren’s acumen at knowing just which buttons to push in The Republican Apprentice scored such public adoration that talk quickly grew that she was the leading contender for Hillary’s Veep spot (Note: One feels compelled to call her Hillary these days since that’s the catch phrase on her posters and how she signs all of her fundraising emails – at least to me).

We're all ears

We’re all ears

I, for one, was immediately thrilled at the possibility of two women on the ticket. I mean, how could they do any worse and what better way to get misogynist Trump’s goat, right? But looking across to my 87-year-old father, who I know has always loved Mrs. Clinton, as he calls her, and for just as long has always loathed that ass h-le Trump, as he refers to him, it occurred to me to ask –

Uh Dad, do you think having two women on the ticket matters to men in their 70s and 80s?

Silence. And then in one word he answered — 

Yes.

When I told him it didn’t matter to me he quickly retorted that I wasn’t in my 70s or 80s. When I mentioned it didn’t matter to him he just shrugged it off. How I interpreted the latter was, at this point in life I don’t really know why some people are so small-minded and I really don’t care. Can’t we just watch the basketball game or at least Turner Classic Movies?

Indeed

Indeed

I mean, how long do we have to endure the women discussion anyway? After watching news analysts of both genders questioning all day whether the nation could accept having a duo of females as our numbers 1 and 2, my mind began to drift to March 24, 2002. Do you know what day that was? I didn’t think you did. It was actually the evening that Halle Berry became the first African-American female to win best actress (Oscar, that is) and Denzel Washington became only the second African-American male in history to win best actor.

Yes, our TWO best American thespians that year were…Black! That hadn’t even happened before and that was 12 years ago. Not to mention we’ve actually had one Black # 1 in the White House for almost eight years since then. So given that more than another decade has gone by isn’t it about time two women were awarded both #1 and #2 in the same year?

The time is now

The time is now

Never mind that this is the logic by which an illogical mind works. It still doesn’t make it any less true. And are we really going to have a serious discussion about this? Can’t we watch Turner Classic Movies? I’d even consider tuning into a basketball g…. Actually, on second thought – No.

Of course, no sooner did Hillary win and Sen. Warren lambaste Mr. Thin of Skin that the barrage of Trump insults started again. (Note: Remember, he’s a self-proclaimed counter puncher who always hits bad hard):

By now anticipating such witty outrage, Sen. Warren’s staff actually bought the domain www.pocahontas.com that immediately redirects you to the Elizabeth Warren for Senate page. Among other things, it lists her personal blog and facts about the senator and where she stands on all of the major issues of the day.

(Note: For those still a bit confused, Pocahontas is the taunt this year’s Republican nominee proverbially hurls at the Senator, who he seems to be convinced is not, as she has claimed, part Native American. Though he never did try to pretend Pres. Obama wasn’t Black, Mr. Trump did first burst onto the contemporary political scene several years ago when he tried to claim our POTUS was not native born in the U.S,. as he and his birth certificate clearly state, and is therefore disqualified from being our #1 despite winning the office by many, many millions of votes. Twice).

A blast from the very recent past

A blast from the very recent past

However one feels about Sen. Warren, Mr. Trump or Pres. Obama isn’t it nice to be reading about the latest insult, punch back, scandal or near indictment that will ultimately never happen against Hillary – even if it’s just for a little bit? You’re welcome. But stay turned. This week the Drumpf-enator promises a national speech that will blow the lid off of how Hillary and Bill Clinton have made hundreds of millions of dollars selling access through the Clinton Foundation and how she, in particular, used the State Department as her own private hedge fund during her tenure as Secretary of State.

This leaves me just about enough time to learn the rules of basketball. Which I’ll begin right after my five month marathon watching Turner Classic Movies in every spare waking moment that I have. What are your plans? And please don’t be insulted that I asked.

 

Time Bandits

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The terrific new film Spotlight tells the story of how an investigative unit of reporters from The Boston Globe spent more than a year researching, reporting and writing a story about the Massachusetts Catholic sex abuse scandal and the Catholic Church’s widespread cover-up of numerous pedophile priests. The real-life reporters won the 2003 Pulitzer Prize for their work – which exposed many decades of the hidden sexual abuse of many hundreds of children by these men, who were protected by a massive labyrinth-like web of obfuscation by Church hierarchy that reached all the way to the upper echelons of the Vatican.

A year or more on one news story? Uh, yeah – sometimes it takes a long time to get things right.

#preach

#preach

I can personally testify to this as someone who just took a year to write a very complicated screenplay adaptation about another journalist who sacrificed his family and career in order to expose widespread corruption in a small midwestern town. The tireless work he did in the late 1970s failed to receive the massive attention of the Globe story but nevertheless it put some very bad people behind bars and shed light on a corrupt system of justice that slowly began to get just a little better as a result of his efforts. And yes, it also took him a little more than a year to do it.

All of this is not to say that one year is the writer/reporter’s magic number to turn out anything of value and significance. Rather what the demarcation means is that in order to tackle particularly challenging tasks of any kind —

IT. TAKES. TIME.

Not to mention lots of thought, many dead ends, and tons of hard work.

This seems a novel concept these days.

We want immediate actions and spontaneous results to some of the world’s most complicated problems. And by gum, we’re getting them.

Take terrorism (Please).

Yes, let's please discuss

Yes, let’s please discuss

The Republican Apprentice proposed a national registry just for Muslims, in addition to surveillance programs and taking a serious look at the mosques. (Note: Re the mosques – in Apprentice-speak that could mean anything from a walking tour to a burning tour depending on whether he’s talking to MSNBC or Fox News while subtly evoking images of the Holocaust or KKK).

Dr. Ben Carson advocated banning ALL Syrian refugees, whom he compared to rabid dogs running around your neighborhood.

Marco Rubio raked Pres. Obama over the coals for not taking more immediate, hands on action in light of the Paris attacks to stop the Syrian, or perhaps all immigration – it wasn’t quite clear. What was apparent…oh heck… here’s the chief sound byte from the diminutive Florida senator who could: This is a clash of civilizations. And either they win, or we win.

Ladies and gentleman and those who prefer to remain gender neutral: These are your three top Republican presidential nominee frontrunners. By A LOT. Either one of them or Hillary Clinton will be your next president.

Oh gawd, don't remind me!

Oh gawd, don’t remind me!

It’s not hard to imagine how long it took each of them to come up with those responses to perhaps what are the most complicated and perplexing issues of our time – how to stop terrorism, protect our homeland and help broker some sort of peaceful co-existence of various factions, tribes and religions in the Middle East.

A minute, 10 minutes, an hour? Certainly not a full day. They don’t have time for that.

Mrs. Clinton delivered a very detailed, in-depth, speech with her own complex plan and strategy. How boring.

Oh, and here’s the answer Pres. Obama gave at the G3 summit last week when a CNN International reporter/patriot spit out this thoughtful, provocative question re: radical terrorists: Why can’t we take out the bastards?

The president’s response: This is not, as I said, a traditional military opponent. We can retake territory. And as long as we leave our troops there we can hold it. But that does not solve the underlying problem of eliminating the dynamics that are producing these kinds of violent extremist groups.

What a wimpy nerd.

Just being honest

#reality

If I have to listen to or read about one more dumbass talking head angling for some votes, or trying to sell a few more books, or even adding a couple of more points to their TV Qs, I’m gonna barf.

And you try turning off the noise. Everyone’s talking about it. Commenting on things they know nothing about. Yes, I suppose that includes me – at least in comparison to Mrs. Clinton and the/our current sitting president. See the president gets confidential briefings on these matters daily and Hil circled the globe maybe five times as Secretary of State talking to all of the players. Which was 10 years after she spent 8 years as First Lady, circling the globe while married to another former sitting president.

Oh... was that me?

Oh… was that me?

If I wanted to build a hotel in Beirut even I might consult the Republican Apprentice. And while I wouldn’t trust him to operate on my brain for fear that someone might have told him about The Chair, I would certainly choose Dr. Ben’s hands over Hillary’s if it meant going under anesthesia. (Note: Wait, would I???) As for the Senator-ette that could – he hasn’t been in Washington, D.C. all that long and has one of the highest rates of absenteeism of any current elected official in Congress. So I guess if I needed an advisor on how to get elected to a job I didn’t want to do I admit he might be in my top five, or maybe even three.

But at the task at hand (i.e. how to stop the terrorists) – none of the above three.

blerg

blerg

They don’t take the time, they take the oxygen. And suck it out of the zeitgeist. To the point where most of the rest of us can’t breathe and recede into our own individual worlds – desperate to not pay attention when attention should be paid because it’s too tortuous to engage through their smoke and mirrors spew show of nonsensical rhetorical bluster. I always hated the jingoist dialogue in tent pole action movies. Why would I want to engage in it – or even listen to it – in real life?

It is in this way that the lazy know-nothings win. To fight them is the intellectual equivalent of continuing to go out to cafes in order to not let the terrorists win. But one has to keep paying attention, reason through the muck and fear and put a great deal of thought into considering what the long term solutions are and who best can lead us there if we are to survive through this.

We’ll be lucky if it takes just a year.

Powerful Women

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My stepmom, who I loved very much, died this week – the same week that Hillary Clinton announced she was running for president. If Mrs. Clinton succeeds she will be the first woman to run our country. My stepmom – who from now on I will refer to as my Second Mom because that is what she really was and that was how I felt about her – ran and successfully raised a blended family of five children from two very different sets of parents for almost 45 years. This was not a first in the world but was certainly one of the firsts in a plethora of blended families that began en masse in the U.S. as a result of the changing social mores of the very early 1970s.

Meet Shelly

Meet Shelly

When my folks split up in 1969 it was not so much rare but extremely uncommon. Divorce was slowly on the rise and the myth of the idealized, perennially happy nuclear unit one saw advertised in the media was being exposed for the smoke and mirrors bit of real imperfect unreality it often most certainly was.

Numerous women have run countries of note over the centuries – Cleopatra, Indira Gandi, Golda Meir and Margaret Thatcher immediately come to mind – especially if one leaves out post B.C. royalty, which I most certainly am happy to do since I believe the anointment of kings and queens should stop at one’s high school prom. But interestingly enough, no female in our last 250 years has ever had or come very close to getting the top job in the United States.

This lady excepted, of course

This lady excepted, of course

That the most powerful country on Earth for many decades, if not centuries, has never had a female at the helm feels counterintuitive. This is especially true when I consider that many women like my Second Mom have proven time and again they intuitively know how to run things – especially people, bringing out the best qualities in them and their encounters with their environments.

Of course, this might not hold true across the board. We all have heard and/or experienced isolated parental horror stories. But overall these are often about both sexes – the horrible, harridan mama and the absent and/or abusive papa. So taking those many tales as a whole we can safely say that this argument at best produces a wash. Which leaves us once again with the question of the day – why are women so often undervalued and why do we not fully appreciate them in the moment of their greatest triumphs?

I've been saying this for years!

I’ve been saying this for years!

My Second Mom had the unenviable task of intermittently (meaning each summer and for various weeks in the year) incorporating the two existing children of the man she had married into a new life with this new husband who in turn she was asking to become the father and therefore breadwinner to the three other children she was bringing along from her previous marriage. Really? Now that I’m two and a half decades older than she was at the time she took all of this on my mind reels at her task at hand. It’s taken all I could muster to handle her death this week. Merely getting out of bed and doing the work I’m tasked to do – which doesn’t include raising ANY kids at all except myself – has me pretty much hog-tied. (Note: I think that is the first time I’ve ever used the term hog-tied in a sentence but nevertheless it somehow felt appropriate). And I’m a man. In 2015. Not a female with five children aged 3-15. In 1971.

A toast to my Second Mom

A toast to my Second Mom

Yet she did this, for many years, and with great humor, wisdom and a big open heart. There are really no books to teach such things. I had barely become a teenager when we met and was sharp, smart, had an attitude and determined to hate her. In other words, leave out the hate part and I was pretty much what you read now. Yet it took a simple game of bowling with my Dad and my much younger sister for her to totally win me over in less than five minutes. How does a Mom, much less a Second Mom, manage to do this? Was it her fringed, faux suede poncho, her long, wavy auburn hair, her penchant for throwing in a snide retort in every fourth sentence? More likely it was the fact that she immediately got me.

To be a great parent is to understand things about your children that they themselves haven’t realized and to guide them into discovery, acceptance and, finally, joy in being the best of themselves. She knew I was gay before I did (Note: I used to wonder how but now well, I mean I can’t even believe I once asked that question); realized I should be a writer way before anyone else in my family ever thought I should; told me I could achieve and handle stuff I felt sure I never could or secretly fantasized I might; and comforted and held me when I was hurt and scared, even when I was far into my adult years and on the surface seemed way, way, way beyond mothering. I couldn’t ever repay her for those many moments and even in recounting this tiny portion feel as if I can barely write about it. On the other hand, if she were here right now I know she’d smile and tell me I was being ridiculous and to just wait – I could not only handle this but a lot, lot more that I had in front of me. (Note: Damned if she wasn’t right again on all counts. Oh well).

shelly's advice

shelly’s advice

To do this sort of thing not only against all odds but to a sometimes hostile audience, is a feat that I will not quite ever understand. It can’t be a guy thing for this not to compute because certainly there are great Dads in the world who have exactly these qualities and understand innately how to do it. Just as there are females who can’t and don’t. Yet like all things great – these types of people are rare. Like all great leaders.

lead·er

  1. the person who leads or commands a group, organization, or country.

It takes all of the above qualities and more to effectively run a country – especially one of the size, stature and power of the good old US of A, which thus far has rejected every Mom in its history from ever getting the opportunity to do so. Talk about unappreciative, ungrateful or just plain clueless kids. Well, ahem, I guess that’s par for the course. We kids never quite realize the stuff we should until it’s almost too late. The important thing is we do realize it at some point, take what we’ve been taught and put it into practice.

#YES

#YES

Make no mistake – Hillary Clinton should not be elected president because she is a woman and a Mom. Those assets are only a small part of the experience she brings to the job. But to pretend that these are not assets and to not add them to the list of her many qualifications is its own form of acting out – like the mouthy teenager who believes their Mom is an annoying pain who is constantly crawling up their butt for no reason instead of a person with the patience of a saint who is infinitely smarter about certain things because of their experiences and love of their job.

Hillary Clinton has been:

  1. First Lady of the state of Arkansas
  2. First Lady of the U.S.
  3. U.S. Senator and the first woman to represent the state of N.Y.
  4. U.S. Secretary of State
  5. A respected lawyer
  6. A tireless human rights advocate and
  7. A national punching bag who has been dragged through scandal more times than most any one of us reading this AND has lived long and large enough to tell her tale to the world.

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I am not quite sure why at 67 someone with that history still aspires to endure a grueling 18-month election to be the leader of the free world but if I had to guess it would probably be precisely because that person has the sort of history that they do. People make their own choices (Note: Hard Choices – yuk yuk) and it is never an accident the uber-successful are where they are. I tell my students this every time they question me about why a gigantic movie star is a gigantic movie star. Plenty of people have talent but it does take a Village of determination, among other qualities and people, to get there.

See, she gets it!

See, she gets it!

As I posted on social media earlier this week, one might not AGREE with Mrs. Clinton (Note: Why did we all feel, from her earliest days on the national scene, that we have the right to call her “Hillary”) on the issues and instead have their own candidate of choice. But to scream that somehow she is unqualified, not intellectually up to the task or – and this is the most popular – morally lacking (uh, consider her predecessors in the last 50 years) is to be just plain…MAKING STUFF UP. In 2007, I once heard the blogger and former Republican now turned Democrat Andrew Sullivan whining disgustedly on television to Bill Maher that he can’t imagine listening to that voice for the next four years in some pathetic effort to devalue a Hillary Clinton presidency. And that’s coming from a learned guy who agrees more than disagrees with her on any given subject. This gives you just a preview of what is to come in the next couple of years, and then even more, should she get elected. So fasten your seat belts, as both Margo Channing and Ralph Nader once warned.

giphy

Yet if nothing else Hillary Clinton has certainly proven she can take care of herself on that and many other scores. Like many women of her time, she’s had to wear many hats in a large variety of styles and shapes over the years. My Second Mom wore a lot of hats, too. In fact, one of my favorite things she once told me occurred when we were walking through some overdone Las Vegas hotel into some fancy five star restaurant. She had her hair tucked into an unstylish short brimmed cap and when someone took notice of it she turned to me and said, “Oh fuck it, I don’t look like those other women anyway.”

No, she didn’t. She looked, and was, a lot better.

Hillary 2016.

Hello Dolly!

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This week Sony Pictures announced it has closed a deal with Mattel for what it believes will be the movie studio’s next big global franchise: a live-action comedy film built around —- BARBIE!!

This is not a joke.

Here’s a quote from the film’s producers, Walter Parkes and Laurie MacDonald, whose credits include: Men in Black, Gladiator, Catch Me If You Can, and Sweeney Todd.

Barbie…is a cultural symbol whose career choices have been as unlimited as her wardrobe.  She is about empowerment, but never at the expense of fun. Our hope is to capture all of these aspects of Barbie in a modern take of the character that can appeal to moviegoers of all ages.

Yes, because nothing says female empowerment better than a…Barbie doll?

I think I might have heard Gloria Steinem say that once but I’m not sure.  Though I’m positive that Barbie, smart gal that she is and certainly much more intelligent than myself, could remember.

Hey Babs, where's your medal?

Hey Babs, where’s your medal?

You can talk yourself into anything, especially in the movie business.  That’s one of the classic mantras learned by those who survive at the top of the Hollywood executive heap for decades on end.  Though it’s more than just talk.  On some level, you do really have to believe what you’re selling.  That’s the moment when the logic gets twisted to the point of an intricate uber-pretzel where, when you make your final announcement, it really does all sound exactly right.  Though not always for the reasons you’ve advanced.

Meaning Barbie: The Movie is much more about financial empowerment than anything having to do with women – young or otherwise.  Not that the two are mutually exclusive.

Someone's gotta pay the mortgage on the dreamhouse...

Someone’s gotta pay the mortgage on the dreamhouse…

I do believe that Mr. Parkes and Ms. MacDonald really believe what they’re selling.  As does the very talented Sony Pictures chairperson Amy Pascal, a veteran executive who was mentored on her way up by writer-director Nora Ephron, one of the first women in the business to write and direct big successful studios films.  Would Nora have taken on Barbie for the big screen?  Well, we’ll never know that.  But…did Nora happily play with her Barbie dolls as a little girl, so galvanized by her message of female empowerment that she would enable young Nora to climb to the top of the Hollywood heap as one of its most successful creative talents?

Uh, somehow I doubt it.  More likely she galvanized Nora, who was neither blonde, 11.5 inches tall or as traditionally beautiful as Barbie, to figure something else out.  Not to put arguments into her mouth against her will, but adult Nora did once famously write in regards to her decided lack of shapely, Barbie-like breasts: If I had them, I would have been a completely different person.

Oh Nora, we love you just the way you are.

Oh Nora, we love you just the way you are.

Not only did Nora know that but I know that.  And Amy knows that.  And Walter and Laurie might or might not have known that but, for the reasons I’ve stated above, probably no longer know that.

Yes, it is true that young Nora did grow up in a different time and Barbie has evolved to a lot more than the size of her breasts.  But there is still a general theme here that holds true.

The Barbie doll has been courted for years by film studios that were eager to turn her into a cash cow for the big screen.  And why not?  She’s known as a multi-billion dollar brand and has been around since the late 1950s – which seems a perfect time for the birth of an almost one foot tall female with perfect features and luxurious blonde wavy hair who has a centerfold’s figure, doesn’t put on weight and never, ever ages.

Some of the best reporting on the Barbie Movie was done by Deadline Hollywood.

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The website reveals that a major factor in Sony taking on Barbie over many other studio suitors was the story pitch the producers brought in with screenwriter Jenny Bicks. Ms. Bicks is well known for her work on female-centered comedies with a twist, including the television series Sex and the City and The Big C, as well as the big-screen What A Girl Wants, starring Amanda Bynes.

Apparently Ms. Bicks’ winning pitch was a contemporary tale that “allows the character Barbie to use her personal and professional skills to step into the lives of others and improve them, almost like a modern-day Mary Poppins.”  She will also be alternately surrounded by her many friends, including her boyfriend Ken (as if he wasn’t already a living doll!) and various Mattel-franchised cohorts.   Deadline goes on to say this will enable the casting of a new young actress to play the title character as well as other unknown or established stars as friends and family.

We live in a time of irony.  You can make anything ironic.  Even something iconic.  But does anyone really think of Barbie as a Mary Poppins who goes in and fixes other people’s lives in even a non-ironic or even ironic way?

Don't drag me into this!

Don’t drag me into this!

Isn’t Barbie a kind of a…well…blonde bubblehead stereotype with a fabulous body and the perfect man?  Even when she was a brunette?

No?  Oh wait – I get it.  In this movie Barbie will be insecure deep down – fixing other people’s lives but never really paying close enough attention to her own. But then one day, through fixing other people’s lives she realizes: Hey, wait a minute, maybe my own isn’t so great?  Ken is a bit of a jerk airhead and really the slightly less attractive guy is the one for me.  And all those clothes I’m known for – maybe I’m going a bit overboard and should really stop dressing like a, well – Barbie Doll – and start behaving like an empowered woman.

CUT!!  Wait a minute.  I said, CUT!  Um, I don’t think so.  There is NOTHING ironic about that.  Certainly not from Mattel’s standpoint.  And it’s very retro 1970s speak. This is Barbie.  You can’t fuck with the franchise.  Barbie is cool.  Everyone wants to BEEEE  Barbie.  So – how do you do a movie like that and cause Barbie to change but maybe have it be more like Clueless or Legally Blonde.

Didn't Anna Faris already make this movie?

Didn’t Anna Faris already make this movie?

Oh  wait, no.  I see —  Barbie doesn’t change.  Not really.  Barbie is not IRONIC – she’s ICONIC.  So it’s all about the world making assumptions about her and changing the WORLD, right???  Barbie has to change the world to her way of thinking.  She’s gonna glam it up – and fix people’s lives – like a millennial Mary Poppins.  And earn RESPECT.  That’s right, respect.  People look down on blondes and even some brunettes (Note:  Barbie now has various hair colors) with perfect figures – especially when they’re 11.5 inches tall and have the perfect ass, boobs, man,  uh  — hands!

Barbie will show ‘em, though.  Like Elle in Legally Blonde she’s not dumb, she’s just been judged.  And like Mary Poppins, she’s practically perfect in every way.  But she’s going one step beyond both of them. Only the naysayers don’t realize it.  So she’s gonna show them and change the world – or at least the lives of the people who need her and, oh hell – let’s go for it – the whole town they live in.  Heck – let’s make it bigger (it’s a tent pole), the entire city who needs her.  Wait – how about the State?  Country?  C’mon – go biggest or go home – SHE CHANGES THE UNIVERSE!!!!!!

Are. They.  Kidding???

Watch out Mars!

Watch out Mars!

Okay, I suppose you can make anything entertainingly and acceptably ironic.  It’s all in the point of view and execution. But is this really the best we can offer young women nowadays? On the other hand, maybe this is THE best argument for having Hillary Clinton as president in 2016.  Which will probably be the year Barbie comes out.

(Note:  Oh no, dear – Barbie isn’t gay.  She’s not THAT ironic).

I mean coming out as in – gets released at movie theatres.  Hmm, maybe it will become a campaign issue for Hillary (Side Note:  Why do we always call her Hillary but Pres. Obama is never Barack and Boehner is never John?).  And what will the future La Presidenta think of the Barbie brand of feminism? By that time Hillary Clinton will be a grandmother for almost a year so clearly we’ll need another issue to discuss with her on the campaign trail rather than whether she can balance her babysitting duties with getting back into the political workplace or even if she really wants to or even should at this point in her life.  What could be better than the Barbie-ization of today’s world?

I could think of a few better things...

I could think of a few better things…

Yes, Barbie now not only has blonde, brown, red and probably several other colors of hair (not to mention races) but there is now Architect Barbie, Zoo Doctor Barbie, News Anchor Barbie, Rock Star Barbie, Race Car Barbie and even…Presidential Candidate Barbie (look out Hillary!). It’s been that way for some time and she has more careers (130 at last guestimate) than you can shake a stick at.

OF COURSE, I KNOW THAT.  But in all of those variations, she still basically looks the same – a plasticized, perfectly proportioned version of femininity that can only be achieved using carefully engineered parts produced on an assembly line.   (Note: Contrary to what we’ve been seeing in Beverly Hills lately, medical science has not quite achieved that in real life – yet).

It hasn't?????

It hasn’t?????

Some of it is about what we teach young people about perfection.  The social upheavals of the 60s and 70s questioned and changed what we were teaching the new generation, particularly young women, about expression – until they didn’t.  Strange as it might seem to the advocates of Movie Barbie, there was a time when I was growing up in those social upheaval years where Barbie had begun be thought of as ridiculous – as ridiculous as Playboy bunnies or GI Joes.  Men killing people and women with perfect bodies rocking a pert ponytail were not seen as something to aspire to.  And then, somewhere along the way, it became more tolerable.  And then, well – a choice.  You could have a great body but you didn’t have to be an idiot – although even if you chose to be one it would be okay.  You didn’t necessarily want to kill people but you once again could – under the right circumstances.  For example, if your country was really threatened.  Because after 9/11 all “give peace a chance” bets were off, right?  We all now kinda like a GI Joe machine cause we know there are reasons we will have to fight on these shores and better to be prepared at the very least.

Here’s the studio thinking in all of this.  Well, it’s not exactly this but it does go something like this:

Of course, you can do a Barbie movie outright – all blonde and sort of, uh, bouncy – but that will probably/mostly have an appeal to red state America. 

How about presenting it with irony – that will also appeal to the snidies in blue state America.  The red states won’t necessarily see the irony but the blue states will so it can be optically correct, intellectual AND fun for both demographics. 

And the young people?   Well  – they’ll just see it.  It’s not up to us to tell them what to think.  We’re just trying to entertain the masses – not educate them.  As Samuel Goldwyn once famously said, “If you want to send a message, call Western Union!”  Yuk yuk, yuk.

It doesn’t much matter how much anyone bitches and complains (NOTE: Except for me) we will have Barbie: The Movie.  But let’s be real about Barbie and not try to hide it in a bunch of horse dung about the feminist twist blah, blah, blah.  Sony’s publicists either got to Jezebel very early on or they’re not as savvy as we all thought because even they are saying ‘oh, girl power, Jenny Bicks, Sex and the City, truly funny concept, blah, blah, blah, Amy Pascal, female empowerment, blah, blah, blah, bah, blah.

Seriously?

Seriously?

Sorry Jezebel, ain’t buying it.  Don’t promise me chicken fingers and deliver tempeh.  To my way of thinking, that’s like spending tens of millions of dollars on an ad campaign to convince the world that the top 1% of this country are all job creators and not mostly just ultra-rich people.

Words have meanings.  Say what you mean.  Don’t bait and switch. Or buy the bait and switch.

Yes Sony, you are making a movie about Barbie – who is a doll version of a girl with flawlessly proportioned girlie features that almost no real life woman possesses – or if she does now she will eventually not possess them.  What does it say about young women who are less than that when they always have to be shown the light by the perfect-looking ideal they will never be?  Mary Poppins – Miss Practically Perfect In Every Way – was one of my favorite films in 1964 – when I was under 10 years old.  And it was made when Barbie still WAS the ideal.

.. and maybe that carried on through 1968. Right Jane?

.. and maybe that carried on through 1968. Right Jane?

It is truly ironic that Barbie is being remade into some kind of new aspirant and that we can’t think of any way forward other than to go backwards.  It’s also interesting the first letter in ironic is “I” because dolls are about the id and traditionally Barbie –with her appetite for new wardrobe and hairstyles – has always taught girls to be, on some level, all about the “I” – themselves.  Not to change the world.  At least the real world.  That would be the pervue of a Susan B. Anthony doll.  Or the Marie Curie doll.  Or perhaps even the Hillary Clinton doll.  But then again, they’re not 11.5 inches tall with perfectly pert bodies and a ponytail of practically perfect hair.  No, you can’t have it all forever.  Not if you are human and don’t have a plastic surgeon and toymaker stylist with you 24/7.

In 1993, there was a famous group called the Barbie Liberation Organization.  It was a rogue guerrilla organization whose mission it was to reduce gender stereotyping and the way they went about this was to perform “surgery” on 300-500 Barbie dolls and switch the silly girlie sayings she spoke via the tape implanted in her backside with the more macho expressions used by G.I. Joe.  The group then put the dolls back on toy shelves where unknowingly customers bought them for their kids, who quickly recognized the supposedly genderless remarks they were unintentionally  (or perhaps intentionally) being fed were anything but since the opposite doll as saying them.  The group caused a bit of a stir, but Mattel never responded publicly, the times changed and finally, they disbanded.  Here’s a video of what they did and how they did it.

These days there is a famous young Ukrainian model and “breatharian” named Valeria Lukyanova who subsists on “cosmic micro-food” in order to maintain her Barbie-like figure (and face – check it out!) She hopes to one day be able to nix food altogether and survive on nothing but “light and air.”  Not to mention Justin Jedlica, a young man who has had more than $150,000 worth of 100 cosmetic procedures to look like a human-life Ken doll.  Don’t believe me on that either – lookie here.

AHHHHHH!

AHHHHHH!

Certainly movie studios are free to do as many mass market, franchise films as they like.  It is also understandable that they like to do this a lot given the fact that the way they stay in profit is not so much from their property’s theatrical release but through all of the ancillary revenue outside of that release that enables them to exist as a profitable corporate entity.  Hence, dolls are the PERFECT subject for a feature.

What is not acceptable, however, is the lie or the massaged untruth.  If the parents of young girls want to empower their daughters there are innumerable sources of entertainment, art and other cultural and intellectual endeavors that will enable such behavior.  Watching Barbie: The Movie will not be at the top or even middle – or probably even at the bottom of the list.  In all likelihood, given the infinite possibilities, it would not even be on that list at all.