It was one of those weeks. Suffice it to say – don’t ask. But if I had said everything that I thought, desperately wanted to say or almost said – I, well…
But then I thought – what’s the point of a blog, anyway? To write everything your best self would never say — to your readers. Perhaps you’ve had one or two of these same thoughts yourself. Or maybe one or two will inspire you to share some of your own with others? Just think how much better – or worse – the world would then be. And relish it.
To the cop waiting in his patrol car on the top of a hill in front of a shuttered park:
You don’t give a crap about safety. I could see it in your eyes as you barreled down towards me. No, you wanted to give me a ticket because you either had a quota to fill or you’re p.o.’d because you’re short – even shorter than me (5’7”) and it gives you a perverse unspoken pleasure. You hate your job AND you hate your life.
Starting off strong, Chairy
And for the record, I NEVER speak in the car actually HOLDING my cell phone. It’s always on speaker or Bluetooth. But my 87-year-old father is ailing and it looked like the number of one of his health care workers so when the remote failed and I couldn’t find the speaker button I just HAD to pick it up. I tried to explain this to give not an excuse but a context and didn’t expect a break from you. But what I got was a condescending nod and a walk-away. You’re a dick. And you’ll always be smaller than I am – in every area – no matter what arena we’re in. #Copette
To the brilliant Anthony Hopkins:
Transformers 6? Really???? I remember those days when you were doing Equus on Broadway. And this was decades before you won the Oscar for Silence of the Lambs. And well before you did Remains of the Day. Not to mention Nixon, Howard’s End and even Mask of Zorro. It’s brilliant you cashed in reprising Hannibal Leccter in Hannibal and Red Dragon.Mission Impossible 2 – we get it. Even the Thor movies sort of make sense following noble duds like Alexander, Titus and Noah.
On second thought…. #maybenot
No Tony, I couldn’t turn down$5 million, $10 million, $15 million or whatever you’re getting. But can’t you simply be Iron Man’s grandfather? Or at least a Spiderman super villain? Did you have to go to #BayLand? Fine – alimony, child support or you might lose the house in Malibu. But if you’re simply doing this for some new kitchens, swimming pools or generational visibility, I’m done. Do not #MichaelCaine1980sMe.
To Mitt Romney:
I still disagree with practically everything you stand for and find every other word out of your mouth dripping with condescension – especially when it comes to pushy gay Jews like myself. But I will give you major props for being the only high profile Republican politician to publicly and vocally still refuse to endorse Donald Trump. Who would have guessed you’d out maverick McCain or out boy scout Paul Ryan. Still, there’s an extremely low bar out there from which to excel. #Bully4Mittens.
I think I need to get my eyes checked #saywhaaa
To Tina Fey:
You’re great but how many more American Express commercials are there? Two? Ten? And why? Why, why, why, why, why??? (Note: See Anthony Hopkins). One can’t help but think it’s the agents. Except, it can’t be. Not really. You’re too young to be Bill Murray’s character in Lost in Translation. And besides, those spots only aired in Japan. #YoureNotAlecBaldwin.
Paying for her daughters’ college tuitions? or funding the Mean Girls musical?
To haters of L.A., NYC and San Francisco:
It’s ridiculously expensive to live here because too many people want to live here. This is not our fault. It is everyone’s fault. Yes, the air is cleaner in Cheyenne, WY and Bismarck, N.D. And houses are a lot cheaper in Waco, TX.
Waco or bust. #shiplap #drinkingtheKoolAid
So? No one is twisting your arm NOT to relocate there (as much as Chip and Joanna Gaines may try). Or to move here. That being the case – please, can the eye rolls stop towards us when you’re talking in public about American values or in private about where you find the real people who make up this country? And we’ll stop dishing about how dumb you are. Or, well, at least I will. #Maybe.
To visitors in my home:
Yes, we have a movie poster with a picture of Judy Garland on it and another vintage one being framed from the movie All About Eve. This doesn’t only mean my husband and I are gay.
#Guilty
It also shows that we have good taste in entertainment and like the color combination of red and cream and how it mixes with the blues and yellows in the rest of the house. (Note: Fine, #Gay). Not to mention, the Citizen Kane poster is too expensive, the Ordinary People poster is too depressing and nowadays Woody Allen gets people too upset. Plus, we can’t afford a Jackson Pollock and will likely never be able to. Still, we do cop to a lack of sports memorabilia, Star Wars toys, and gym class experience. In fact, I, for one, served as attendance monitor my entire senior year of high school P.E. class and never had to change into shorts or break a sweat once in 10 months. #CrazylikeaQueen.
To MSNBC:
Rachel Maddow is my oracle and too often there is a false equivalency made between you and Fox News. Still, your non-stop pursuit of all things Trump is making it impossible to defend you to others.
In the spirit of Roseanne Roseannadanna.. what are you tryin’ to do, make me sick??
Know that it’s one thing to report the news in all of its bizarreness and quite another to broadcast an endless loop of the same incoherent blathering over and over and over again for hours with only a few added sound bytes every few minutes from each one of your paid commentators. Take some of the money you saved by unwisely firing Alex Wagner and hire someone with the guts to do something ingenious – like ambush a real politician against their will and ask them a question no one else has. Then film it. And air it. #SaveHowardBeale.
Hey gurl. #changingchannels
To Hillary Clinton:
Good speech. Your Trump hit lines most likely to persuade fence sitters to your side:
– Imagine him deciding whether to send your spouses or children into battle.
– Imagine if he had not just his Twitter account at his disposal when he’s angry, but America’s entire arsenal.
– I will leave it to the psychiatrists to explain his affection for tyrants.
Now make some of the news reports true and choose Elizabeth Warren as your veep. In a show biz age, she’ll give you the smartest, most solid and sassiest support to take on the Orange Clown.
To #Drumpf:
You’re a mentally ill racist. Go away and get some therapy. Or at least go away. Now be gone, before someone drops a house on you, too.
Given the week we’ve just had it feels exactly right to spend a bit of time concentrating on an event that has pretty much zero affect on our everyday lives – the EMMY Awards.
This is not to say we don’t care at all or as fans, or friends of nominees, or of people who work on shows that are nominated – or – as possible nominees ourselves, (Note: Uh, no – not me) we think they are unimportant. Actually, in point of fact they are very, very, very American.
We in the U.S. of A. love a good competition – how else can you explain why a liberal like myself actually spent 32 hours Wednesday night watching 11 Republican candidates gumming each other to death from a stage at the Ronald Reagan presidential library? No, I certainly wouldn’t do it for a football game (Note: Except the Super Bowl because its half-time show usually features either a gay icon or a band from the seventies) but then I never said we all like every competition. This is still, for the time being, a country that is pro-choice. Which brings me back to the topic at hand – television.
Lonely Island Emmys
The Oscars might still have the classiest statue but the Emmys are more intimate and ultimately more fun. These shows and the folks who create them, star in them and actually make them, come into our homes. They’re not so much royalty but pseudo friends. We don’t spent a mere two hours or so in their company as we do with our filmmakers but rather upwards of two years or more doing all kinds of things while viewing them that we don’t need to go into here. I don’t know about you but for me that makes it a lot more familial and certainly much homier.
Not to mention – I can’t spend another evening obsessing about the14 year old Muslim boy who was handcuffed in Texas for bringing a clock to school, the apocalyptic El Nino weather warnings that everyone keeps saying will destroy my newly purchased home, or the unavoidable rantings and ravings of The Republican Apprentice on just about every topic and airwave imaginable.
On that minor point let me say this: If you’ve had your scalp reduced and hair plugs inserted in your head, the rat’s nest that rests on top of it certainly doesn’t count as ALL YOURS. Could you imagine having to look at that from the Oval Office for the next four years???
And no – I didn’t accuse anyone of anything so I don’t have to apologize.
In any event, Sunday’s festivities officially begin now with some major category predictions for your betting pool at home. A warning upfront: No one really has idea who is going to win for sure. Well, except when it comes to Jon Hamm. He WILL WIN for best dramatic actor this time out. This is not only true but it is one more reason to objectify him.
I. Can’t. Even.
He’s an actor. Trust me, he doesn’t mind.
And every time Jon Hamm’s name is mentioned or the camera is on him – DRINK!
The nominees/winners are below:
OUTSTANDING COMEDY SERIES
It’s Maura’s night!
“Louie”
“Modern Family”
“Parks and Recreation”
“Silicon Valley”
“Transparent”
“Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt”
“Veep”
Prognosticators are divided on this category, giving a slide edge to “Veep.” I don’t think so. This has been a defining year for the transgender community and thus it feels like Hollywood will give the award to “Transparent.” The story of how a family reacts when its patriarch comes out as a transgender woman has been universally praised and let’s face it – “Veep” will be even better in a presidential election year.
Winner: “Transparent”
LEAD ACTOR, COMEDY
Emmy Winner? Yes, that’s me.
Anthony Anderson, “black-ish”
Matt LeBlanc, “Episodes”
Don Cheadle, “House of Lies”
Will Forte, “The Last Man On Earth”
Louis C.K., “Louie”
William H. Macy, “Shameless”
Jeffrey Tambor, “Transparent”
There are few sure things in an entertainment awards show but Jeffrey Tambor’s win for his performance as said patriarch in “Transparent” is about as close you you’ll get. Whatever one’s possible gripes with the series, Tambor’s work is exceptional. Go back and watch him on “The Larry Sanders Show” and figure out how it could be the same person. Besides, the industry loves when a character actor finally gets the breakout role they always deserved.
Winner: Jeffrey Tambor, “Transparent”
LEAD ACTRESS, COMEDY
A truly meta moment
Lisa Kudrow, “The Comeback”
Lily Tomlin, “Grace And Frankie”
Amy Schumer, “Inside Amy Schumer”
Edie Falco, “Nurse Jackie”
Amy Poehler, “Parks And Recreation”
Julia Louis-Dreyfus, “Veep”
There is only one person deserving of the award in this category – Lisa Kudrow in “The Comeback.” In fact, it is one of the best female performances I’ve ever seen in a comedy series – equal parts hilarious, cringe worthy, heart-breaking, sad and joyful. The odds are that Julia Louis-Dreyfuss will win for the 80th time (Note: Yes, she’s won 80 times, you go figure) or the beloved Amy Poehler will get it for her last season on “Parks and Recreation.” Still…
Winner: Lisa Kudrow “The Comeback” (because I say so).
SUPPORTING ACTOR, COMEDY
Real life win
Andre Braugher, “Brooklyn Nine-Nine”
Adam Driver, “Girls”
Keegan-Michael Key, “Key & Peele”
Ty Burrell, “Modern Family”
Tituss Burgess, “Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt”
Tony Hale, “Veep”
There is no stopping “Veep” in certain categories. All of these guys do excellent work but there is something about Tony Hale’s performance that woos Emmy voters. Possible spoilers are Andre Braugher or Titus Burgess for “Brooklyn” or “Kimmy.” Still, who in Hollywood will resist the aide to a delusional, clueless egomaniac?
Winner: Tony Hale “Veep”
SUPPORTING ACTRESS, COMEDY
Can you deny the Notorious RBG?
Mayim Bialik, “The Big Bang Theory”
Niecy Nash, “Getting On”
Julie Bowen, “Modern Family”
Allison Janney, “Mom”
Kate McKinnon “Saturday Night Live”
Gaby Hoffmann, “Transparent”
Jane Krakowski, “Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt”
Anna Chlumsky, “Veep”
Again, the supporting category is awash with great work. How much would I love to see Kate McKinnon pick it up for her rapping version of my Aunt Ruth (Bader Ginsburg). Quite a lot. But this town often ignores me. It’s going to be Allison Janney in “Mom.” Truth be told, she’s great playing the alcoholic mother of Anna Farris. And besides, she only has 75 Emmy statuettes for “West Wing.” She needs another.
Winner: Allison Janney “Mom”
WRITING FOR A COMEDY SERIES
David Crane and Jeffrey Klarik for Episodes, “Episode 409” from Showtime
Will Forte for The Last Man On Earth, “Alive In Tucson” (Pilot) from FOX
Louis C.K. for Louie, “Bobby’s House” from FX Networks
Alec Berg for Silicon Valley, “Two Days Of The Condor” from HBO
Jill Soloway for Transparent, “Pilot” from Amazon Instant Video
Simon Blackwell, Armando Iannucci and Tony Roche for Veep, “Election Night” from HBO.
It’s really hard to compete with a well-written television pilot because it has to be a great episode and has the added degree of difficulty of introducing you to the characters and the world of the series. “Transparent” feels like a lock given it is unlike any comedy series ever on the small screen and it comes from a streaming service. Still, the writing award is, for some reason, often seen as a consolation prize for a show that is bypassed in other areas. Nevertheless —
Winner: Jill Soloway “Transparent”
OUTSTANDING DRAMA SERIES
Cmon guys… THIS HAPPENED!
“Better Call Saul”
“Downton Abbey”
“Game of Thrones”
“Homeland”
“House of Cards”
“Mad Men”
“Orange is the New Black”
A REALLY tough one. Many people I really respect swear this was THE season of “Game of Thrones.” More importantly, it led the pack this year with 24 Emmy nominations. So you can pencil it in on your own ballot. I’m going with the last season of the best-written show on television – “Mad Men.” Screw the rest of the field. And the Academy if they don’t vote my way.
Winner: “Mad Men”
LEAD ACTRESS, DRAMA
You know Cookie will be throwing shade no matter what
Taraji P. Henson, “Empire”
Claire Danes, “Homeland”
Viola Davis, “How to Get Away with Murder”
Tatiana Maslany, “Orphan Black”
Elisabeth Moss, “Mad Men”
Robin Wright, “House of Cards”
The best roles for women have for some time been on television. This is an impossible category of excellence. But it’s going to be Viola Davis. Brilliant, frightening, frail and bold. It should also be noted that an African American woman has never one in this category. Yeah, it’s true.
Winner: Viola Davis “How to Get Away with Murder”
SUPPORTING ACTOR, DRAMA
No nomination? Was it the moustache?
Jonathan Banks, “Better Call Saul”
Ben Mendelsohn, “Bloodline”
Jim Carter, “Downton Abbey”
Peter Dinklage, “Game Of Thrones”
Alan Cumming, “The Good Wife”
Michael Kelly, “House Of Cards”
My spies tell me this it will be Jonathan Banks in “Better Call Saul.” Loved him playing the same character in “Breaking Bad.” It’s not unprecedented to get recognition the second time around. Baby boomers will instantly remember Valerie Harper and Cloris Leachman winning for their work on “The Mary Tyler Moore Show” only to go on to great acclaim in solo series bearing their characters’ names (Note: Okay, “Rhoda” and “Phyllis”). Banks doesn’t have his own show but lucky for “Saul” he’s on someone else’s.
Winner: Jonathan Banks “Better Call Saul”
SUPPORTING ACTRESS, DRAMA
Holloway-Harris, your Emmy is calling.
Joanne Froggatt, “Downton Abbey”
Lena Headey, “Game Of Thrones”
Emilia Clarke, “Game Of Thrones”
Christine Baranski, “The Good Wife”
Christina Hendricks, “Mad Men”
Uzo Aduba, “Orange Is The New Black”
It is a fact that no series regular on seven seasons of “Mad Men” has ever won the Emmy. Really? Yes. That’s why it seems as if the much deserved Christina Hendricks will pull it out of this really close competition. Also, because I’m willing it. If you have reservations, Uzo Aduba is a close second. But remember, Joan always gets exactly what she wants in the end.
Winner: Christina Hendricks “Mad Men”
WRITING FOR A DRAMA SERIES
Thanks Leonard!
Joshua Brand for The Americans, “Do Mail Robots Dream Of Electric Sheep?” from FX Networks
Gordon Smith for Better Call Saul, “Five-O” from AMC
David Benioff and D.B. Weiss for Game Of Thrones, “Mother’s Mercy” from HBO
Semi Chellas and Matthew Weiner for Mad Men, “Lost Horizon” from AMC
Matthew Weiner for Mad Men, “Person To Person” from AMC
It could easily be “Game of Thrones” – that’s what the smart money says. But, uh, no. The final moment of “Mad Men” is yet another image in the annals of TV history, even for those non-fans of the show. Yes, I’m biased. But what else is new.
Winner: Matt Weiner, “Mad Men” “Person to Person”
LIMITED SERIES
Is the Chair hitting the bullseye?
“American Crime”
“American Horror Story: Freak Show”
“The Honorable Woman”
“Olive Kitteridge”
“Wolf Hall”
This is tricky. Long-form, limited and mini-series categories tend to reward the unexpected. It could easily go to any of the five but I think it will be “Olive Kitteridge” because you’ve seldom seen a less sympathetic yet compelling dramatic female character on television that is not a vampire, lawyer, stuck in medieval times or a sex goddess. She’s just a plain woman who is really, really difficult. That’s tough to do and make compelling over several nights.
Winner: “Olive Kitteridge”
LEAD ACTOR, LIMITED SERIES OR MOVIE
Timothy Hutton, “American Crime”
Ricky Gervais, “Derek Special”
Adrien Brody, “Houdini”
David Oyelowo, “Nightingale”
Richard Jenkins, “Olive Kitteridge”
Mark Rylance, “Wolf Hall”
I’ve had to do reading on this one since I’ve only seen a few of the nominees. The overwhelming consensus is…
Winner: David Oyelowo “Nightingale”
LEAD ACTRESS, LIMITED SERIES OR MOVIE
Wore denim to win her Tony #badassforlife
Felicity Huffman, “American Crime”
Jessica Lange, “American Horror Story”
Queen Latifah, “Bessie”
Maggie Gyllenhaal, “The Honorable Woman”
Frances McDormand, “Olive Kitteridge”
Emma Thompson, “Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber Of Fleet Street”
The winner should be Frances McDormand and hell, I’ll be honest, I’d bribe voters to make it so just to hear another one of her outrageously honest acceptance speeches. If you don’t know what I mean, pray that she wins. Though don’t be shocked if either Queen Latifah or Maggie Gyllenhall snatches it away at the last minute. But also pray they don’t.
Winner: Frances McDormand “Olive Kitteridge”
SUPPORTING ACTOR, LIMITED SERIES OR MOVIE
No arguments here!
Richard Cabral, “American Crime”
Denis O’Hare, “American Horror Story: Freak Show”
Finn Wittrock, “American Horror Story: Freak Show”
Michael Kenneth Williams, “Bessie”
Bill Murray, “Olive Kitteridge”
Damian Lewis, “Wolf Hall”
Everyone seems to believe it’s going to be Bill Murray and having watched “Olive” I would not be disappointed. But I’m going out on a limb here and say any straight actor who can pull off playing a repressed gay effete homicidal killer named Dandy and not come off as an inaccurate and/or offensive stereotype deserves this award and more. Not to mention, he was hilariously awful.
Winner: Finn Wittrock “American Horror Story: Freak Show”
SUPPORTING ACTRESS, LIMITED SERIES OR MOVIE
For the Emmys.. two heads may be better than one
Regina King, “American Crime”
Sarah Paulson, “American Horror Story: Freak Show”
In the spirit of the above, any actress who can play conjoined twins and not only believably evoke two very separate personalities but endure all of the green screen and body doubles she undoubtedly had to contend with needs this statuette. Not to mention, Sarah Paulson has been one of the unsung heroes of each season of “American Horror” and has never gotten the award.
Winner: Sarah Paulson “American Horror Story: Freak Show”
REALITY-COMPETITION SERIES
“The Amazing Race”
“Dancing With The Stars”
“Project Runway”
“So You Think You Can Dance”
“Top Chef”
“The Voice”
How do you resist this category? I have no idea. So here’s the thing – “The Amazing Race” usually wins though 2 years ago “The Voice” deservedly stole it away. Fine, then considers most of the voters are in the industry and in their hearts become insecure again once they make the bolder choice, let’s go back to –
Winner: “The Amazing Race”
VARIETY TALK SERIES
Really Chairy?
“The Colbert Report”
“The Daily Show With Jon Stewart”
“Jimmy Kimmel Live”
“Last Week Tonight With John Oliver”
“Late Show With David Letterman”
“The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon”
All the usual suspects – which is why I believe the freshest and least usual will win. John Oliver is not only funny and smart but the unlikeliest of hosts to not only be able to substitute for Jon Stewart on “The Daily Show” while he was away directing a movie but to front his own once a week comic news commentary on HBO – not Comedy Central.
Winner: “Last Week Tonight with John Oliver”
VARIETY SKETCH SERIES
All Hail Amy!
“Drunk History”
“Inside Amy Schumer”
“Key & Peele”
“Portlandia”
“Saturday Night Live”
I’m only including this category for one reason. To give my vote to our much deserved comic gal of the moment –
Winner: “Inside Amy Schumer”
TELEVISION MOVIE
“Agatha Christie’s Poirot: Curtain, Poirot’s Last Case”
“Bessie”
“Grace of Monaco”
“Hello Ladies: The Movie”
“Killing Jesus”
“Nightingale”
Should the television movie and limited series (which are often movies in several parts) be separated in different categories? Oh, who knows. Well, it’s not going to be “Grace of Monaco,” that much is for sure. The Academy has traditionally always loved a good Agatha Christie – which is why my vote goes to the Bessie Smith biopic. Queen Latifah playing the bisexual blues singer, a topless scene of her sitting at her makeup table and Mo’Nique playing her best frenemy Ma Rainey – are you surprised this gets my vote???
Winner: “Bessie”
… and you didn’t think I forgot…
LEAD ACTOR, DRAMA
Bob Odenkirk, “Better Call Saul”
Kyle Chandler, “Bloodline”
Kevin Spacey, “House of Cards”
Jon Hamm, “Mad Men”
Jeff Daniels, “The Newsroom”
Liev Schreiber, “Ray Donovan”
Uh, seriously?
WINNER: JON HAMM!! “Mad Men”
(Note: He’s been nominated all 7 years of the series and has never won for breathing life into one of television’s most complex and iconic characters – Don Draper. This is the voting morons’ last chance to make good. And THEY WILL).
DONT WORRY! IT WILL HAPPEN!
And no – I didn’t include the directing categories. The list got too long and writers too often get dropped in favor of directors on these lists. Don’t feel bad. The directors have a much more powerful union and better residuals.
Okay – will check back after it airs. And remember:
notes from a chair 