Surveying My Options

In the pilot episode of the new Apple TV series The Studio, newly installed movie studio chief Seth Rogen has two choices. 

One is to greenlight legendary director Martin Scorsese’s penultimate film about cult leader Jim Jones and the 1978 Jonestown massacre, where Jones famously coerced dozens of his followers into committing mass suicide in his compound by drinking cyanide-laced Kool-Aid, rather than open its doors and answer to his very real crimes of emotional, financial and physical abuse.

Guest emmy?

The other is to make the much more colorful Kool-Aid!, a flamboyantly fun interpretation of the fabulously flavored punch (note: whose rights his billionaire corporate overlord recently acquired), featuring whimsical versions of little red, green and yellow Kool-Aid people mischievously wreaking havoc in their own invented alternative universe. 

This being a satire of the movie business, as well as 2025 America, the selection is clear. 

As his head of marketing proclaims about Kool-Aid:

I can sell the f-ck out of that! 

Are we at the point that where a good idea is merely something we can market? 

No, we’re way, way, waaaaay past that point.

Approximately $6 trillion dollars in wealth vanished from the U.S. stock market in the two days since the massive Trump tariffs went into effect last week. 

Meaning 10% of our national value. 

Sweating through our shirts, but fine!

Meaning that the 35% of working Americans who have 401K account savings they’ve contributed to for years are significantly poorer with no end in sight

Add the fact that much of Social Security’s D.C. staff, as well as many of its nationwide offices, were either fired or shuttered under the pretense of government efficiency by a bunch of DOGE bros, as well as anecdotal stories of thousands of recipients being mistakenly…ahem….deleted from the system by the click of a DOGE keystroke, one could easily conclude the financial safety of the average American has suddenly become the equivalent of…. a 15 alarm fire.

Which is pretty knee-deep sh-tty considering fire alarm levels typically range from 1-5.

Should we even save the snakes?

Not as sh-tty as being snatched off the street and vanishing into the worst prison in El Salvador after having your head shaved (Note: Will there be an American film company in the country willing to make that story in three and a half years?) but still not enviable.

In other words, really, really, REALLY sh-tty.

Gotta find my bell

Of course, this is not what we, the average working, non-billionaire Americans, are being told.   What we are being told, I mean sold, by the man who would be King, I mean POTUS, the guy who’s been playing golf since Friday with some Saudi billionaires in Florida and hosting a $1 million-dollar-a-plate MAGA fundraising dinner over the weekend, is to “hang tough” because this is an “economic revolution” and the results will be “historic.”

someone call my decorator

In another interview he went on to boast:

We’re going to become so rich, you’re not going to know where to spend all that money.

Well, that would be nice and I’m sure many of you are brimming with ideas.

But first on my agenda is to dig myself out from under this BIGLY HUGE AND RELENTLESS ENDLESS PILE OF SH-T!, SH-T and MORE SH-T!

Sure is

Though that’s not what the PT Barnum of Golden Escalators is suggesting I do.  What he wants me, a lifelong liberal Democrat, to do is to spend my money supporting the MAGA agenda of the Republican-controlled Congress.

The day the stock market tanked I received an urgent letter from his #2 guy in the House of Representatives, House Majority Leader and MAGA stalwart Steve Scalise, imploring me to contribute $1000, $500, $250, $100, $50 or $35 to the National Republican Congressional Committee. (Note:  How did they decide on the numbers and in which order to put them in?) He also strongly urged me to answer 29 questions in its AMERICA FIRST PRIORITIES ISSUES SURVEY.

Well. I mean, twist my arm, STEVE. 

This is my moment

Though, as you can imagine, he didn’t have to. 

Not only is Rep. Scalise a rabid opponent of a woman’s right to choose, an attendee of white supremacist conferences and full throated supporter of big oil and NOT green energy, he has voted against every piece of legislation in support of the LGBTQ plus community despite the fact that a BLACK LESBIAN CAPITOL POLICE OFFICER NAMED CRYSTAL GRINER took a bullet in the leg and HELPED SAVE HIS LIFE in 2017 when he was shot by a gunman during a Congressional GOP baseball practice at an Alexandria, VA stadium.

But back to Steve’s letter. 

Yes, back to the letter

It had a respectful start – Dear Fellow Patriot – but that was where it ended.  What followed were these first two sentences:

  • Did Joe Biden’s REGIME  work for YOU? (Note:  No, not Regine’s, the once hot NYC nightclub Trump frequented in the eighties.  Regime, as in North Korea, one of America’s newest allies).
  • Are Biden’s leftover allies in Congress fighting for YOUR values? (Note: And yes, the YOUR was in boldface).

I know, you can imagine the rest. 

Though actually, you don’t have to.  Here are two choice, unedited pages for your perusal.

And even better, here’s the survey of 29 questions I answered in pen and mailed back to them.

I had many favorites but I have to say the best question in light of recent events was #5:

Do you believe most Americans want a return to the booming economy we enjoyed during the first Trump term?

When Trump was defeated in Fall, 2020 the U.S. economy, knee-deep in the covid pandemic, was the worst it’d been since the economic crash in 2008. 

And after Friday’s massive financial losses, the 2025 U.S. economy was deemed the worse it’s been since the summer of 2020.

Look it’s Trump coming for the economy!

Talk about drinking the Kool-Aid and selling the f-ck out of less than nothing.

That’s why, in total exasperation, I scrawled this response in my craziest handwriting on the front of my survey response card:

TAKE ME OFF YOUR F-KNG MAILING LIST YOU FASCIST, HOMOPHOBIC, LYING, RACIST ASSH-LES AND ENJOY THE STOCK MARKET CRASHING AND THE END OF DEMOCRACY!

… and I’d do it again.

Sure, it’s a bit blunt and doesn’t meet them where they are.

But at least it’s not a manipulative, curated lie.

Soldiers’ Chorus – “My Country, Tis of Thee”

MEH-MMYS

 

The 2019 telecast of the Emmys will probably be remembered for three things:

  1. The British invasion of winners, especially Fleabag creator Phoebe Waller-Bridge’s unexpected and very deserving trifecta for Outstanding Lead Actress/Writer in a Comedy Series and Outstanding Comedy Series.

Slay!!! #triplethreat #firstimesinceTinaFey

  1. The stupendously unfunny voice-over quips of Thomas Lennon, a fairly unknown actor/comic who so annoyed so many people on social media during the telecast that he himself referred to how much his job sucked before the program was even over.
  2. The fact that not a single primetime program from ANY of the four major TV broadcast networks (CBS, NBC, ABC and FOX) took home even ONE Emmy in any major category during the entire 180 minute broadcast.

To be sure there were some high notes:

– Billy Porter became the first out Black gay man to win Best Actor in the first series ever on network television centering on the trans community.

Best hat since Aretha!

– Comic moments by two television legends, 90 year old Bob Newhart and 97-year-old Norman Lear, that left almost everyone else in the dust.

– The youthful exuberance (and humility) in the acceptance speeches of Jharrel Jerome (When They See Us) and Jodie Comer (Killing Eve) when they were rightly (and a bit surprisingly) honored as outstanding lead actor in a limited series and outstanding lead actress in a drama series, respectively.

So why did the show itself alternate between being a rudderless mess and a crushing bore???

Sarah Silverman during the Emmys has never been so relatable #ILoveYouSarah

A host might have helped, though that’s not a guarantee. Maybe…the right host, then? Of course, that would likely mean finding someone who appears on a Fox show since each time a network gets its turn broadcasting the Emmys it seems to only want to employ one of its own to appear center stage.

It’s not that Seth Meyers, Jimmy Kimmel, James Corden, Jimmy Fallon or even Carson Daly 2015 could have guaranteed a better program. But perhaps they might have offered a…. fighting chance?

Why the shade, Chairy? #ahem

Are our television fiefdoms now as polarizing as our politics? #UBetTheyR

(Note: How else does one explain Tim Allen showing up and landing like a thud in the middle of nowhere to plug the last season of his Fox series, Last Man Standing?)

BUZZ-KILL #seewhatIdidthere

Still, even without a host you knew we were in trouble when an animated character, aka Fox’s own Homer Simpson, showed up in the opening as a kind of faux host only to be leveled into the ground and disappear. His duties were then taken over by blackish’s Anthony Anderson in an embarrassing routine where he and his Mom steal several Emmys and put them in her large purse in order to presumably smuggle out of the theatre.

Did someone actually write a bit where a person of color was stealing someone else’s awards with a family member on national television?

Super cringe

When Anderson then passed the faux host torch to Bryan Cranston I thought perhaps it was just me having a drug flashback to my Breaking Bad television binge watching days in a much simpler time. Alas, this was not to be.

The minutes and hours wore on and our patience began to wear thin. Why did everything feel just plain off and weird? Like a high school dance where I thought I was wearing a great outfit but the pictures revealed otherwise, it all seemed ill fitted and pimply-faced.

https://twitter.com/BrettSVergara/status/1175929178530734080?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw%7Ctwcamp%5Etweetembed%7Ctwterm%5E1175929178530734080&ref_url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.cinemablend.com%2Ftelevision%2F2480743%2Ftwitter-already-had-a-field-day-with-one-emmys-moment

The LED set flashed frighteningly oversized still photos of nominees as someone announced their names from backstage and in another moment would suddenly turn into an assaulting piece of Game of Thrones scenery/logo or an electrically insistent pastel hue that picked up the color in some presenters’ outfit.

Like.. did we need to see Fleabag’s bloody nose?? #whatweretheythinking

At one point there was even a musical number where a gold gowned person with a Meryl Streep mask could be seen juggling bowling pins. I couldn’t swear they were bowling pins or even a female in the gown but I do know I saw the image a second time just before the show cut to commercial.

Given television’s penchant for reruns it might have been nice to relive at least a few more clips from the very best of television in the past year. We were told by Television Academy chairman Frank Scherma that we are now in the PLATINUM age of TV and yet clips from the best of 2019 were few and far between while those that were shown were so short as to come off as practically unintelligible.

Me, to the producers

With TV this good, here’s an idea for next year. Just give us more of the best of and get a witty host or a smart host or maybe even a live action host who’s merely smart enough or only slightly witty.

Until then, we can entertain ourselves with tons of award winning/nominated 2019 TV we might have missed. That would include:

1- Every episode of When They See Us, Chernobyl, Fosse/Verdon and Succession for dramas. (Note: No, they are NOT too depressing and/or off-putting).

2- Every episode of Fleabag, The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, The Good Place and Russian Doll for comedy.

Schitt’s Creek too!! #catherineoharaisaGODDESS

3- Any random episode of Last Week Tonight with John Oliver, Saturday Night Live, Late Night with Seth Meyers or The Late Show with Stephen Colbert for timely political satire.

Aside from fashion and hate watching, they’re the real reason awards shows like Emmy2019 exist. Or used to be.

Kelsea Ballerini – “Better Luck Next Time”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zBZs0KiIm38

Editors Note: The Chair’s predictions scored a 16/27, which is approximately 59% — still better than Electoral POTUS’s approval rating, so we’ll take that as a win.