Grumpy Golden Faucets

Here’s a great and meaningful story this week that’s not about that big, bloated news hog.

Four children were rescued in Colombia’s Amazon jungle, surviving alone for 40 DAYS after their plane crashed last month

That crash killed all three adults onboard, including their mother.

But the kids – aged 13, 9. 4 and 1 – lived due to the knowledge and skill they acquire at a young age as members of the Huitoto Indigenous tribe.

What this means is that they are taught almost from birth about the environment and life they are born into. 

That includes:

– Navigating the terrain of their natural habitat.

– Learning basic survival skills in the forest, including how to resist predators and being handy enough with a knife to wield against the 80 varieties of snakes, many of the poisonous, that slither every day all around them.

Me dealing with snakes

As well as —

– Leadership qualities, handed down by their elders, that will enable them to save, protect and most of all inspire the youngest of their citizenry.

Wouldn’t it be great if we could offer some, or even any, of the same here?

America!

I’ve been hearing about the Twisted Moron of Mar-A-Lago since I was a teenager in Queens.  Only then he was known as the Obnoxious, Off-Putting Oaf of New York, a live action comic book version of everything people born and bred in the Big Apple DIDN’T want to be.

As Fran Leibowitz once so aptly quipped:

(He’s)… a poor person’s idea of a rich person.

They see him. They think, ‘If I were rich, I’d have a fabulous tie like that. Why are my ties not made of 400 acres of polyester?’ All that stuff he shows you in his house- the gold faucets – if you won the lottery, that’s what you’d buy.

The tackiness is overwhelming

Well, this week we got a look at one of the gold faucets thanks to a 49 page historic indictment that charges the Gold Gilded Goblin with conspiracy and obstruction of justice; willful retention of national defense information (including top secret nuclear and military strategies); concealing documents in a federal investigation; and giving false statements and representations, among other things.

Together, the charges carry maximum penalties of many dozens of years in prison.

Yes Kenan #bringbackSNL #paythewriters

Not even the Decapitated Colonel of Coarseness and Corruption could carry on if convicted at the age of 76 – or 77 – or 78 – depending on when a verdict is rendered and his many appeals are exhausted.

Not that it will get to that point, which, at this point, is not really the point at all.

Yet it is the reason why the bubbling bile is boiling over all of us at such a furious pace these last few days.  The Comb Over King of Contempt is freaked out and striking back everywhere. 

This week at Truth Social

Ostensibly it’s on behalf of the hunting down of all of his fellow Witches.  But we present and former New Yorkers (Note: And those of you who follow us) know all the bloviating is really his personal three-card-monte manipulation for his own personal freedom so he can continue to do and fleece and be exactly anything he wants the way he always has.

If crashing the plane of American democracy is the seeming cost, well that’s a lie. 

It’s a simple, and digestible and absolutely true on-brand message, right?

No person has EVER been so persecuted as a man born into a billion dollar family who never paid a bill he didn’t like and has the receipts from all three of his own bankruptcies to prove it.

Sally Draper would put him in his place

Up is down and down is up as Lewis Carroll once so poetically taught us in Alice In Wonderland.

A lovely and creative thought but at this point knife skills might have been better.

No, not literally.  Figuratively. 

As dictated by the terrain that has perhaps been permanently poisoned by the Noxious Know Nothing Neanderthal of Neener Neener Land (Note:  The latter being Rachel Maddow’s acerbic technical term for the petty revenge that seems to continuously drive said Neanderthal).

Can Rachel make cocktails again??

Though perhaps the toxicity is not irreversible.

READ the very, very readable indictment provided by Jack Smith (Note:  Not to be confused with the great NYC avant-garde artist) and decide for yourself.

It’s got pictures and everything.

Including a golden faucet.

“In A World of My Own” – Alice in Wonderland

Good Luck Shane

Saturday Night Live announced earlier this week it signed a comedian named Shane Gillis for its upcoming season and there’s already a lot of backlash.

Like, a lot.

See, Shane’s primary shtick is playing the aggrieved, tough-talking, straight white guy who tells it like it is under the guise of comedy.  Though what this consists mainly of is him hurling politically incorrect insults at Asians, women, LBTQ people, Muslims and other straight men he thinks are too soft because they’re either too depressed or too PC-acting for his tastes.

When do the jokes start?

Though I’ve never seen Shane live I’ve listened to about an hour of his comedy from various clips and podcasts (Note: Some of which he tried to scrub from the Internet but have since resurfaced.  Let that be a lesson to all of us).

Suffice it to say, they’re peppered with bon mots like:

White chicks are literally the bottom of the comedy chain,

Judd Apatow and Chris Gethard are f-cking gayer than ISIS and white faggot comics and,

Heavily accented imitations of chinks in Chinatown (Note: Not since Mickey Rooney in Breakfast and Tiffany’s) as well as numerous references to chink food.

Yup, Shane’s clearly got a comic persona.

Oh I see, he’s an asshole.

But he doesn’t present as a caricature of machismo like, say, Andrew Dice Clay or in the category of smarmy walking/talking radio id like Howard Stern did back in his shock jock days.

Instead, Shane simply comes across as, well, one of the boys.  The type of guy that hangs out at comedy clubs and bars, stays for drinks afterwards and has opinions, lots of opinions.

This is almost too polite

His delivery isn’t unusually exaggerated nor does it feel drunk or even particularly ranting.   Rather, he seems to mean every single thing he is saying, and not in an Andy Kaufman-esque, are you putting me on way.

It makes one wonder, what is the stuff he’s choosing not to say and would I be safe if a guy like that became popular and got in the White House?

Oh, oops.

but also ughhhhh

Certainly, don’t take my word for any of this.  You can listen here to any number of Shane clips here or here and judge for yourself.

The question now is, what are we (and NBC) to do with our fellow traveler Shane?

Object too strenuously to him and we’re accused of being the freedom-hating censors that we claim to loathe and resent.   We can’t take a joke and we’re humorless, unless of course the joke is on anybody but us.

Wait, I’ll get my coat

Yet if we simply stay quiet and let the free market dictate Shane’s fate we are denying ourselves our first amendment right to speak up and out about that which we are aggrieved by.  And history shows that for those of us who are NOT in the straight white male majority no good can come of that (or us).  Reverting to silence and behaving is how our nightmare started to begin with.

So, what’s a double minority like the Chair to do?

What’s any minority to do?

Heck, what are the straight white guys who DO NOT share Shane’s aggrieved view of the world, nor think it’s particularly funny, to do other than think to themselves that these days THEY just might be the most aggrieved minority of us all because they can’t complain about anything to anyone out loud anymore and NOT be called on the carpet by EVERYONE except Shane, et al, for it?

Nope, Chairy, not getting me to feel bad for this.

Well after some thought I, for one, think we should just let Shane be Shane on NBC’s Saturday Night Live and see what happens to him in our 2019 social media infested world.

Allow him to stew for a while in the town square of Twitter.  Give him and the SNL writing team time to work up his first couple of mini-appearances on NBC late night and see if any of those routines get more hits than the racist ones already existing on YouTube.

Then…let’s see if, in turn, he gets invited to the White House.  Or, better yet winds up there some years later by some fluke of electoral fiat via social media platform performance.

Um.. wait… what? #StanKenan4ever

What, it’s happened before to the unlikeliest of NBC stars?

But this time we’ll be ready.

To be forewarned is to be forearmed.

Right now Shane is merely a rookie member of the group formerly known as The Not Ready For Prime Time Players.  It takes at least a full season to be bumped up to first string and, well, who knows where we’ll all be by then.

Hopefully, funnier.

Frank Sinatra – “High Hopes”

 

UPDATE!! Welp, Shane was fired... so I guess… 

NEVERMIND!