Surveying My Options

In the pilot episode of the new Apple TV series The Studio, newly installed movie studio chief Seth Rogen has two choices. 

One is to greenlight legendary director Martin Scorsese’s penultimate film about cult leader Jim Jones and the 1978 Jonestown massacre, where Jones famously coerced dozens of his followers into committing mass suicide in his compound by drinking cyanide-laced Kool-Aid, rather than open its doors and answer to his very real crimes of emotional, financial and physical abuse.

Guest emmy?

The other is to make the much more colorful Kool-Aid!, a flamboyantly fun interpretation of the fabulously flavored punch (note: whose rights his billionaire corporate overlord recently acquired), featuring whimsical versions of little red, green and yellow Kool-Aid people mischievously wreaking havoc in their own invented alternative universe. 

This being a satire of the movie business, as well as 2025 America, the selection is clear. 

As his head of marketing proclaims about Kool-Aid:

I can sell the f-ck out of that! 

Are we at the point that where a good idea is merely something we can market? 

No, we’re way, way, waaaaay past that point.

Approximately $6 trillion dollars in wealth vanished from the U.S. stock market in the two days since the massive Trump tariffs went into effect last week. 

Meaning 10% of our national value. 

Sweating through our shirts, but fine!

Meaning that the 35% of working Americans who have 401K account savings they’ve contributed to for years are significantly poorer with no end in sight

Add the fact that much of Social Security’s D.C. staff, as well as many of its nationwide offices, were either fired or shuttered under the pretense of government efficiency by a bunch of DOGE bros, as well as anecdotal stories of thousands of recipients being mistakenly…ahem….deleted from the system by the click of a DOGE keystroke, one could easily conclude the financial safety of the average American has suddenly become the equivalent of…. a 15 alarm fire.

Which is pretty knee-deep sh-tty considering fire alarm levels typically range from 1-5.

Should we even save the snakes?

Not as sh-tty as being snatched off the street and vanishing into the worst prison in El Salvador after having your head shaved (Note: Will there be an American film company in the country willing to make that story in three and a half years?) but still not enviable.

In other words, really, really, REALLY sh-tty.

Gotta find my bell

Of course, this is not what we, the average working, non-billionaire Americans, are being told.   What we are being told, I mean sold, by the man who would be King, I mean POTUS, the guy who’s been playing golf since Friday with some Saudi billionaires in Florida and hosting a $1 million-dollar-a-plate MAGA fundraising dinner over the weekend, is to “hang tough” because this is an “economic revolution” and the results will be “historic.”

someone call my decorator

In another interview he went on to boast:

We’re going to become so rich, you’re not going to know where to spend all that money.

Well, that would be nice and I’m sure many of you are brimming with ideas.

But first on my agenda is to dig myself out from under this BIGLY HUGE AND RELENTLESS ENDLESS PILE OF SH-T!, SH-T and MORE SH-T!

Sure is

Though that’s not what the PT Barnum of Golden Escalators is suggesting I do.  What he wants me, a lifelong liberal Democrat, to do is to spend my money supporting the MAGA agenda of the Republican-controlled Congress.

The day the stock market tanked I received an urgent letter from his #2 guy in the House of Representatives, House Majority Leader and MAGA stalwart Steve Scalise, imploring me to contribute $1000, $500, $250, $100, $50 or $35 to the National Republican Congressional Committee. (Note:  How did they decide on the numbers and in which order to put them in?) He also strongly urged me to answer 29 questions in its AMERICA FIRST PRIORITIES ISSUES SURVEY.

Well. I mean, twist my arm, STEVE. 

This is my moment

Though, as you can imagine, he didn’t have to. 

Not only is Rep. Scalise a rabid opponent of a woman’s right to choose, an attendee of white supremacist conferences and full throated supporter of big oil and NOT green energy, he has voted against every piece of legislation in support of the LGBTQ plus community despite the fact that a BLACK LESBIAN CAPITOL POLICE OFFICER NAMED CRYSTAL GRINER took a bullet in the leg and HELPED SAVE HIS LIFE in 2017 when he was shot by a gunman during a Congressional GOP baseball practice at an Alexandria, VA stadium.

But back to Steve’s letter. 

Yes, back to the letter

It had a respectful start – Dear Fellow Patriot – but that was where it ended.  What followed were these first two sentences:

  • Did Joe Biden’s REGIME  work for YOU? (Note:  No, not Regine’s, the once hot NYC nightclub Trump frequented in the eighties.  Regime, as in North Korea, one of America’s newest allies).
  • Are Biden’s leftover allies in Congress fighting for YOUR values? (Note: And yes, the YOUR was in boldface).

I know, you can imagine the rest. 

Though actually, you don’t have to.  Here are two choice, unedited pages for your perusal.

And even better, here’s the survey of 29 questions I answered in pen and mailed back to them.

I had many favorites but I have to say the best question in light of recent events was #5:

Do you believe most Americans want a return to the booming economy we enjoyed during the first Trump term?

When Trump was defeated in Fall, 2020 the U.S. economy, knee-deep in the covid pandemic, was the worst it’d been since the economic crash in 2008. 

And after Friday’s massive financial losses, the 2025 U.S. economy was deemed the worse it’s been since the summer of 2020.

Look it’s Trump coming for the economy!

Talk about drinking the Kool-Aid and selling the f-ck out of less than nothing.

That’s why, in total exasperation, I scrawled this response in my craziest handwriting on the front of my survey response card:

TAKE ME OFF YOUR F-KNG MAILING LIST YOU FASCIST, HOMOPHOBIC, LYING, RACIST ASSH-LES AND ENJOY THE STOCK MARKET CRASHING AND THE END OF DEMOCRACY!

… and I’d do it again.

Sure, it’s a bit blunt and doesn’t meet them where they are.

But at least it’s not a manipulative, curated lie.

Soldiers’ Chorus – “My Country, Tis of Thee”

A Twee Too Much

Screen Shot 2015-06-14 at 12.47.50 PM

There are a few things I need to get off my chest.

  1. I won’t be seeing the Jurassic Park reboot.   I found the first one interminably dull after a short while and this was at a packed screening in cushy seats where other people were loving it.
  1. My flat screen TVs, all of which are smart (certainly much smarter than me) have become the enemy. If I so much as graze one of their buttons in the wrong way I am left with nothing. No sound, no picture, snow or a frozen image. This can then only be remedied by calling one of five sources for help (all of whom I’ve bothered more times than I can remember) – a call which is even more embarrassing than admitting this problem publicly to all of you.
  1. I’m tired of people who can’t carry a tune or barely can sing but seem to do so quite well because of modern technology, passing themselves off as musicians and singers – and convincing the record industry and downloading public this is so.   You can’t croon or play if you are unable to achieve the effect without the help of heavy machinery.giphy
  1. Losing ones hair and figure is not fun nor is working out more than you ever did in your lifetime just to maintain status quo, health or to just look presentable enough to avoid scaring small children. On the other hand, cutting into your face or having fairly recent medical school graduates inject you with poisonous waste products from exotic animals so your skin can seem as taut as the sheets on a new recruit’s army cot seems even worse. And certainly more expensive.
  1. Ronald Reagan was a TERRIBLE president and don’t let anyone reinventing history in the forthcoming election year try to tell you any different.

because a picture of Reagan would make me barf, enjoy this litter of puppies

because a picture of Reagan would make me barf, enjoy this litter of puppies

This all started with a screening I attended of Me and Earl and the Dying Girl this weekend. No one likes a good cancer movie more than me, and certainly there isn’t a guy on the planet who gravitates more to an indie tearjerker – especially one that sold for near record millions at Sundance like such predecessors as Little Miss Sunshine – one of my all-time film festival (or any other kind of festival) favorites.

Now I hope all the filmmakers who made Earl go on to have long and happy careers (Note: They all inevitably will), not to mention most of the actors, who mostly did stellar work (Note #2: You can decide the muggers for yourself when/if you see it) and seem to have been enjoying themselves during filming. But if I have to watch one more hip, young, piece of cinema demographic filled with endless snide, deprecating dialogue bouncing off of colorful, macramé-like images shot through endless gradations of a fisheye/crooked/or skewed lens, I WILL just spend the rest of my life inside, watching my smart TVs, where I vow I WILL call one or more of you to figure out the problems with each and every one of them.

And just know by that time there will be many, many more.

It’s writer-director Wes Anderson time – meaning that’s what 100 minutes of Earl longs to give you via an unfresh and un-new visual and storytelling style– which in turn is unsurprising since WA’s frequent producer, Indian Paintbrush, distributes this one. Yup, it’s Quirky McQuirk-Quirk, Jr. with just a dash of sincere 60s/70s film homage and postmodern emotionless emotion thrown in.

And now I'm exhausted

And now I’m exhausted…

Question: If Odd is the New Norm then what is the New Odd? Would that be Mundane? It brings to mind the master originator of contemporary postmodern, David Lynch, and when he made The Straight Story in 1999, a pretty conventional tale of an older man crossing several states to visit his dying brother. The director publicly admitted that he had gone just as far as he could go with strange in his past so he decided the truly revolutionary strategy for him was to go plain. So just who will step up and assume the mantle of the then mid-career David Lynch? Anyone? Bueller?

Or perhaps let’s put it another way:

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE — will someone make an impression out there doing PLAIN – which these days merely means unadorned and with a lack of tricks???

And not from this guy.. please

And not from this guy.. please

I knew the moment I saw Wes Anderson’s Rushmore 17 years ago and was left dazed and confused – something I have never been when watching a Richard Linklater film, by the way – that I was in trouble. But never did I dream that Mr. Anderson would be responsible for a commercial cottage industry of distanced, strange and bizarre just for strange’s sake.

This, of course, is how I also felt as a very, very young man when everyone was making such a fuss about National Lampoon’s Animal House, Raiders of the Lost Ark and Ghostbusters. I mean, they were fine, all fine – but the notion that they’d spawn endless sequels, reboots and their own cottage industries? Well, no wonder the president of Columbia Pictures didn’t hire me for that film development job in the 1980s – especially when I answered my personal favorite studio film of the previous year was Ordinary People. What an idiot I was. Though Ordinarily People could clearly be rebooted today – albeit with hand drawn animated inserts for the teary parts and with Mark Ruffalo and Parker Posey playing the parents of – the young new Miles Teller?

Coming soon to a theater near you

Coming soon to a theater near you

By the way, I think Miles Teller is among the best of the best in Whiplash and The Spectacular Now. He might yet one day win an Oscar even though his older generational acting doppelganger, Michael Keaton, never has (Note: He should have this past year). I also believe Miley Cyrus is very talented, imaginative and not a flash-in-the-pan, Amy Winehouse was not for a moment ever overrated and that the pastiche conceits of American Horror Story works every bit as well in its way as do the broad and stylized comic turns of both Broad City and Girls do in theirs. (Note: Coincidentally, Me, Earl and the Dying Girl was written by American Horror Story alumn Alfonso Gomez-Rejon).

But sometimes it is the job of each of us, especially those who have no other platform to do so other than in an obscure personal blog, to rail against the popular – to call out what we perceive to be The Emperor’s New Clothes.

pitch-perfect-enough-gif

The gay community, not to mention any number of other un-American US citizens tried unsuccessfully to do this all through the Reagan years of the eighties – when during that president’s stewardship AIDS became a pandemic and tax cuts for the rich and corporate deregulation helped spawn the economic meltdown of the late 2000 naughts we are all still recovering from.

Yes, I am on a soapbox but how else do our collective voices forestall Jurassic Park 33 – which you all may think you want now but, trust me, your grandkids will be cursing you for. Those same kids will also likely be listening to the new 2100-age, as-of-yet unborn Sinatra singing live in each of their rooms through some kind of still undiscovered clone entertainment mechanism.   And by the way, these kids will have all also adopted their own brands of voluntary male pattern baldness for their inevitably overweight selves because certainly by that time they won’t want to look like their grandparents – since at that point they will all be sporting perfect bodies without exercise and be tossing around their long luxurious manes of intact original hair thanks to some new, priceless and certainly voluntary (Note: Though we all know socially it won’t be, not really) medical option.

Welcome to the Twilight Zone

Welcome to the Twilight Zone

I’m not sure I’ll be around then – yet given the aforementioned advances there is a possibility I could at least still be carted about like an old embryo in a trendy Mason jar. However, I am 100% positive I still won’t get Rushmore, Me and Earl and the Dying Girl or Ronald Reagan.

Generation gap, my eye – the latter of which might actually be all that is left of me. If so, it will still be just as discerning as it ever was despite what the majority is saying.

This, as Martha Stewart says – and you know that SHE will definitely still be around then – is a good thing.