Happy Holidays!

IN 3-D (no doubt)

And it will be happy because — yes, there will be an Angry Birds: The Movie!. Okay, you will have to wait three and a half years for those chicks to hatch (yuk, yuk – can you tell I used to write press releases?) but in the summer of 2016 one of the most downloaded games in the history of that stuff will be released at a multiplex near you.

Here’s part of the just circulated announcement of that already anticipated film:

December 11th, 2012 — Santa Monica, California — On the third anniversary of the release of Angry Birds, Rovio Entertainment announced that Despicable Me producer John Cohen has signed on as producer of the upcoming Angry Birds movie. David Maisel, former Chairman of Marvel Studios and executive producer of Iron Man, will be executive producer of the feature film, coming to theaters in summer 2016. The film will be produced and financed by Rovio Entertainment. John Cohen most recently produced Illumination Entertainment/Universal Pictures’ Despicable Me in 2010 and executive produced Illumination/Universal’s Hop in 2011. Prior to Illumination, Cohen was VP of Production at Twentieth Century Fox Animation. He worked closely with Blue Sky Studios on films including Ice Age, Robots, Ice Age: The Meltdown and Dr. Seuss’ Horton Hears a Who. Cohen had the idea to reimagine Alvin and the Chipmunks and developed the 2007 film.

Now — here is what I created a year and a half ago for my students. This wholly fictional creation was in order for them to do an outlandishly fake movie marketing exercise:

March 28, 2011 – Los Angeles, California

As you all know, Pendleton Productions has purchased the rights to Angry Birds and has set up “Angry Birds: The Movie” as our first animated/live action tent pole film with Pixar Studios. It will, of course, be directed by Brad Bird (The Incredibles). We have cast Angelina Jolie, Paul Rudd, Andrew Garfield, Willow Smith and Kim Kardashian as our birds. Our pigs will be played by Zack Galifinakis, Hugh Jackman and Jack Black. In the time remaining, we’d like you to develop a detailed marketing plan to launch our film. Actually, it’s more than a film. It’s an event. Or will be if we decide to hire you because that will be your responsibility. The marketing plan should reach across all media and be as creative and out-of-the-box as possible while still staying within the realm of reality. Whose reality? That’s up to you. But it should include publicity and promotion plans for the launch, advertising ideas, tie-ins, merchandising, product placement and any other means of creating public attention (but not backlash). It should also take into account platforms in film, television, music, new media and all social media. Because we want to reach, well – EVERYONE!!

What can I say? That this is when you know you’ve been in the entertainment industry too long? Or not long enough because you’re still surprised by it?

Bottom line — There is NOitem, idea or concept that cannot become a movie – especially if it’s one that has proved uber-successful in another medium. In fact, it’s preferable that the item, idea or concept has already done well somewhere else. Because that means there is something called “brand recognition,” which ups the elusive financial “X” factor that will ensure your movie blockbuster status. I mean, look at the box-office receipts of Aeon Flux, The Dukes of Hazzard, Tekken, Battlefield Earth, The Mod Squad, The Honeymooners, Super Mario Bros. and Bewitched alone and you can see I’m correct, right? Okay, perhaps those are bad examples. Well, they’re at least bad somethings.

Ouija Board: The Movie? Spirit says no.

Note: Please do not write in with either the box-office grosses or reviews of Lara Croft: Tomb Raider (especially since two friends of mine wrote that one), Mortal Kombat, The Brady Bunch Movie or The Prince of Persia because I’m not interested in anything that disproves the cynical yet obvious point I’m trying to make.

It was not always thus so. I mean, can you imagine The Seventh Seal in this kind of climate? But conversely, there could perhaps be The Seventh Seal video game or phone app if that Bergman film were a post millennium release and one were trying to tweak the bounds of taste just a tad.

Well… I guess there’s a board game tie in.

What to do? In keeping with the holiday spirit, we’d like to make a modest proposal of some titles that Hollywood could perhaps consider for future Christmas time seasonal announcements of films in the future.

1. Swiffer: The Film – It’s the animated adventure of a lonely mop who finds itself jettisoned back in time to a Mad Men-like 1950s reality where being disposable is seen as a negative and lack of proper refills ensure its extinction. How will Swiffer cope and stay alive? Can it adjust to going from top dog prince to Eisenhower-era pauper? Stay tuned.

Does this outfit make me look fat?

2 The Adventures of Abed and The Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started A Conversation With at a Party – Popular post-modern man-child Abed from the soon to be defunct NBC cult hit Community goes on the road with Cecily Strong’s soon-to-be breakout character from the new 2012 season of Saturday Night Live. Together they travel the terminally unhip worlds of America they inadvertently make hip because of their own unintentionally po-mo hipness factor.

Click for some stimulating party conversation…

3. The Church of Stefon – SNL’s Stefon (because SNL always suffers from film spinoff overkill) flies solo and crash lands into red state America where he helps a group of down-on-their luck fundamentalist pastors rebuild a Church that was destroyed by the first super Tsunami-tornado ever recorded on U.S. soil. While the preachers blame the emergence of the LGBT community for the aberrant weather, Stefon teaches them through determination and humor that God’s creatures all only have one religion — Clubbing.

Wholesome family entertainment

4. Game of De-Thrones – What happens when Mitt Romney, Hilliary Clinton, Michael Dukakis and Sarah Palin look-a-likes team up to topple their more famous counterparts? Do they take their place in the hierarchy of American political leaders who almost were and institute their plan to once again run in national elections, backed by a shadow rogue group of disgraced Wall Street bankers, in order to recreate the once greatest world power of the U.S. in their own unique vision? Stay tuned.

5. The Pet Rock Musical – Desperate for a Broadway hit, a group of both young and has-been producers team up to create an original musical embracing the beauty of played out sociological trends with hopes that it will be just bad enough to capture the public fancy. Featuring tributes to not only the pet rock but to Cabbage Patch Dolls, Game Boys, Beanie Babies, Nehru Suits, Furby (wait, is that back?), Zhu Zhu Pets, Razor Scooters and the 8-Ball.

6. Super Nerds and Real Housewives – A new romantic comedy featuring three couples from the various cities of Bravo’s Real Housewives fame who find themselves in Silicon Valley married to everything from well-meaning bores to abusively damaging computer nerds. In the end one couple divorces, one stays together and a third takes in a third partner. Not yet determined if addition to third couple will be male or female or some combination of both.

Probable movie poster

7. Pandora’s Box – A store clerk’s Pandora account will only play songs loved by his ex-girlfriend, prompting the young man to go on a journey to find the woman (whose name is also, coincidentally, Pandora) and stop her from marrying a phony entrepreneur (who is only using her for her name) before it’s too late. Starring Michael Cera (obviously).

8. Twit Her – The super-villainess Twit Her must hack into the accounts of the 10 people with the most Twitter followers, who were discovered to have been abusing the system and illegally creating an unauthorized list of unwilling fans. Her mission: reduce their followers to zero and have the real taste makers finally assume their rightful place in the echelon of who and what is important.

9. Instagram and Other Unworldly Events – Pictures from a man’s past, present and future lives begin coming alive in the room at the worst possible moments, threatening to ruin his life. He must hunt down the reclusive real creator of Instagram to dismantle the service before he himself is eventually reduced to merely a series of endless, three-dimensional photos in time.

America’s Sweetheart

10. A Honey Boo-Boo Christmas – Low-budget, independent film where the rural family travels to California looking for The Beverly Hillbillies and instead run into Lindsay Lohan and take her under their wings to teach her the true meaning of holiday spirit without money. Lindsay Lohan has, in fact, just been signed to play herself. (I’d watch this).

I’m not sure what the marketing campaigns will be on any one of these films. However, I do know that 18 months ago my students came up with this kind of fun stuff for the then fictional Angry Birds movie.

a. A real life Angry Birds game with some of the stars of the film (Jack Black was specifically cited in this one).

b. A real life board game (which might actually already exist) in American landmarks like Times Square and St. Louis’ Gateway Arch.

c. ABC partners to do an Angry Birds version of Wipeout.

4. A master guerilla marketing guru who out text messages to a bunches of people in a given room saying things like “Knocking out pigs and pass it on”

5. A cirque du soleil type show at premiere.

Stay tuned to see if any of our predictions or strategies come true.

In the meantime, Have fun, be safe and go see a movie. In a movie theatre, that is.

12.03.12

by notesfromachair

Memories

One of a writer’s greatest strengths is memory. Not for silly things like how to make ketchup, where you can get the best sale price for the complete DVD boxed set of the first three “Twilight” films or even what color Lindsay Lohan’s hair was when she was arrested once again this past week. Though any one of the above might come in handy for a game of Trivial Pursuit, popularity with the friends you shouldn’t have or snaring a date with the hot TMZ reporter you shouldn’t have a crush on.

Blonde so does not go with Prison Orange.

No — the kind of memories I mean are on either side of the emotional spectrum. Correction: the many sides. Hate and love/good and bad/happiness and sadness are the easy ones. How about jealousy, passion, courage, anger, hurt, fear, longing, suspicion and hopefulness for starters? Any one of those will not only cause you to lose the blank page, if you can corral them, but to also fill it with something you never knew you had in you (or conveniently forgot about until then) by the time you are done. Depending on the kind of writer you are, the filling might be sweet or sour but tasty nonetheless for the right customer hungry for what you have cooked up.

Memories came rushing through to me this week via World Aids Day; my step mom in the hospital; tons of students who I adore reappearing at our annual school holiday party while others said goodbye; and the celebration in the last month of various birthdays (including my own) as well as the anniversaries of the deaths of several people I knew intimately. The thing about memories and writing is that a date on the calendar is not the only thing that can trigger it, only the most obvious one. It can be a fleeting image, a song, a passing remark in real life or on television. Connect in a significant way with any single one of them and a collage of events come crashing into your mind. And in more cases than you care to, depending on how sharp your recollections are, the memory(ies) can be almost as clear as if you were there and this was the first time you were experiencing said event. The latter, in particular, depends on who you are and the kind of writer you want to be, are already or are destined to become.

Animated is always best.

I’m using writer in the generic sense because in some ways we are all writers of our own experiences. That is because we all tell stories to someone – even if it is only ourselves. Marsha Norman, Pulitzer prize winning writer of ‘night Mother, likens playwriting to the old days prior to television and the movies, where human beings used to sit together around a campfire, actually make eye contact with each other (rather than the touch screen kind) and say ‘let me tell you a story’ – at which time a person no more or less talented than any one of us are now would weave a tale of woe or joy and, depending on the skill of the speaker, watch as those emotions were reflected back to them from the eyes of a rapt live audience. The only difference today is that a larger group of us choose to, or simply can, put our storytelling on paper or a computer screen, to be either read or performed or both. It doesn’t make those among us who do not do this any less storytellers or even writers. It’s simply writing of a different kind. Side Note: Unfortunately, being a writer these days can often sound so rarefied and almost pretentious unless you accept the idea that everyone does write in their own way – on paper, electronically, verbally, physically or even emotionally. To my definition it’s all storytelling and that indeed does make us all authors of not only our own stories but of every story we choose to pass on to others in whatever way we choose and through whatever medium we see fit.

For example, Chris Matthews made a remark on his MSNBC show Hardball this week, casually noting (writing?) in the context of something else, that Ronald Reagan was not anti-gay. This being the week of Worlds AIDS Day, images of dying, emaciated men in their 20s, 30s and 40s, some of whom I knew quite well, immediately came rushing back in my mind, as did the perpetually smiling face of Mr. Reagan – a smile at the time I longed to wipe the floor with as I dragged him kicking and screaming into every quarantined hospital room I knew and forced him to look at the beginnings of a new Holocaust that he refused to ever truly and fully acknowledge. But hey, that’s my memory – and certainly not one shared by the fringe group of his acolytes who periodically wage a campaign to put their hero’s punim (that’s Yiddish for face) on Mt. Rushmore next to Washington, Jefferson and Lincoln. I have a few choice words for those idiots, but to them I’ll simply say what Amy Poehler and Seth Meyers used to say on SNL’s Weekend Update: “Really?”

Now, there’s a Mt. Rushmore I can get behind!

But while we’re on the subject – thanks to Chris and writing about this, a few more Reagan memories have suddenly come back. That nasty little argument with a woman in my writer’s group who tried to defend our late president in the early AIDS years to me while everyone else looked very nervously away and into a bowl of particularly bad chips and salsa; and another time I once nearly punched out (yes, it’s true) a gay Republican who tried to lecture the late and brilliant author of the seminal chronicle of AIDS/governmental history, And The Band Played On, about the merits of Reagan. (It took two people to hold me back as this shit for brains jabbered on endlessly). Further side note: The author Randy Shilts was a perfect gentleman during this and when I approached him later on he simply laughed at this then young man’s total ignorance of the facts of all of our lives.

Speaking of lives, more memories have suddenly come back. My step mom, now a vibrant but still very fun senior citizen, is in the hospital at the moment still fun and pretty vibrant despite the fact that she was making a meal of ice chips last night. Though her room didn’t exactly have a roaring campfire, I nevertheless couldn’t help but watch her and think of the time when I was 14 years old and first met her in a bowling alley with my father – she being the one with the long auburn hair cascading over the coolest brown suede poncho (with fringe!) that I had ever seen in my then short life. (Confession: I still think it’s cool!). I now remember this memory so vividly, as well as how my pre-determined feelings of dislike for her turned to love in just a few short minutes despite my steely resolve to react otherwise. It has, in fact, taken me many years to realize the story of those feelings would be a recurrent story in my life that has caused me to be continually surprised (in both good and bad ways) by people I had decided to have pre-determined reactions towards.

I'm looking at you, Mr. Black in Bernie.

I’m looking at you, Mr. Black in this year’s outrageous Bernie.

I may not have written about my stepmother (though really my second mother because she’s been that special and such an important part of my life for so long) on paper but I have shared some of our stories to others a few times – and they’ve always made me smile. Not only that, these stories have evolved my opinions and views of a particularly turbulent period in my life each time I’ve retold them.

I have also written a lot about AIDS on paper – as well as told numerous, or perhaps even immeasurable, anecdotal verbal stories – so many more of the latter, in fact, that I’ve risked alienating no small number of innocent bystanders over the years as I’ve gone on and on and on. The plague year stories never change anything at all – no opinions or views that I know of. The only thing they seem to change is my mood at the time of their telling. Depending on where I am in my life I can feel better or significantly worse each time I do tell one.

That used to frustrate me in the screenplay area until I realized that even the great masterwork on AIDS – Tony Kushner’s Angels in America, for example – didn’t change anything the way I really wanted to change it. Which was, specifically – to make a full correction – to make it as if it was indeed a story and didn’t happen. More precisely – to bring back those that I loved who were lost and everyone else who didn’t deserve to die at such an unforgiving hand of fate and to throw it all into the dust bin of modern urban legend.

If only it were a dream…

People will write to pay the rent, because of obligation and because they’re good at it. But the majority of us – we write because we have to for our own very personalreasons. I suspect part of this is to deal with the past and, in fact, correct it in some way – or at the very least understand it. And perhaps affirm, deny or, in many cases even change the ending. Woody Allen cops to this at the end of Annie Hall when he switches his bittersweet breakup with the woman he truly loved, for reconciliation – at least in the play written by his movie alter ego. He tells us in not so many words that as a writer you want to change the past and have it make sense because in real life it often doesn’t. In truth, nothing really does if you decide it doesn’t. We impose the preferred order on things. Which is, again, where writing, or storytelling, comes in.

All written stories have their beginnings, middles and endings. And the best part is, we writers – every one of us in every medium, real or imagined – get to choose which goes where. That, in itself, is worth remembering.

notes from a chair

Category Archives: Hey Teach!

Happy Holidays!

Memories