by notesfromachair

The 2nd Annual Rockers!

This is not a BEST OF list. It’s about impact, surprise and lingering effect. As a lifelong culture vulture, creative person and relentless observer of waaay too much, I have the greatest respect for anything out there that stays with me – particularly in a good way. Mostly because it’s so tough to break through all the noise these days. Or perhaps it’s just that lately I have the attention span of a gnat.

Of course, starting any project with the goal of making a huge and lasting splash is a sure recipe for disaster. Much as I hate to admit, this has happened to me several times over the years. However, when people hunker down and “do their own thing” (as they used to say back in the day) the result can sometimes be, for lack of a better word – sublime.

sub·lime

1. Characterized by nobility; majestic.

2. a. Of high spiritual, moral, or intellectual worth.

b. Not to be excelled; supreme.

3. Inspiring awe; impressive.

Did someone say Supreme?

Any one of those could earn you a Rocker and, let’s face it, who among us wouldn’t want to be awarded a photo of a red mid-century style chair. (Note: Chair – Rocker, get it?). Though perhaps using the term nobility is a bit much. Definition #3 – impressive, inspiring awe – isn’t that enough? Yes, I think so. And these, in no particular order other than the one that we chose, are my OUR awards.

BEST ROCKIN’ INDIE DARLINGS

Short Term 12; Fruitvale Station; The Spectacular Now

Indie, dahling

These three movies, all low budget independent films, have more to say in 5 minutes than do most of their budget-bloated major studio brethren manage to serve up in two three hours. Of course, their combined box-office grosses are not equivalent to the opening weekend of, say – Ironman 3; Thor 2; or even Jack the Giant Slayer.

What this confirms once more is that fine dramatic storytelling is not the goal of the major studios anymore. Though if it manages to happen on one of their releases amid a large profit and even larger chance to cash in via future ancillary markets and/or rights, they’ll take it.

Do not write in and call me a snob or say that this has been so in the film biz for one or two decades. I, and even we, know that. But it’s getting worse. Can’t we retain even a small sliver? Well, in their own awe-inspiring, impressive ways all three of the above did that and more.

Short Term 12: Bravura performances all around in a deceptively multi-layered and tight original screenplay from first time writer-director Destin Cretton – whose next announced project is the film adaptation of the bestselling book The Glass Castle, starring Jennifer Lawrence. If there is any justice Mr. Cretton will be Oscar and WGA nominated for his story of juvenile outcasts and the young people who try to help them at a “short term” facility – but there likely isn’t. Still – now he’s got JLaw so it’s a win-win.

The Spectacular Now: A throwback to the small romantic dramas of decades ago where two mismatched, oddball young people fall in love in a most uncomfortable way. It’s not perfect but it has so much heart that it wins you over. This is in part due to actors Shailene Woodley and Miles Teller and to an even greater extent as a result of the adaptation of the book by 500 Days of Summer writers Scott Neustadter & Michael H. Weber, and the precise, sensitive work of director James Ponsoldt. The script lingered for years before Ms. Woodley, a hot commodity after starring as George Clooney’s troubled daughter in The Descendants, became its champion. Lesson here: Create great roles for actors.

Fruitvale Station: Finally caught up with it last night at home and am still foaming at the mouth with rage at the murder six years ago of Oscar Grant III, a 22-year old African American male who was finally about to get his life together for the sake of his daughter, his family and himself. The choice of writer-director and USC film school grad Ryan Coogler to tell this real life story in an unembellished pseudo-documentary style is what’s most impressive here. The film was developed through Sundance and won best dramatic feature. Yes, there are those who like to dismiss Sundance these days as pretentious and elitist. Watch this movie before you go there. In fact, just don’t go there anymore.

STEFON’S FAREWELL!

Bill Hader left the cast of Saturday Night Live at the end of the season this year and along with that went the departure of Stefon – his beloved club kid correspondent for Weekend Update. Since goodbyes are often an inevitable and dreaded part of life – especially when it comes to the mercurial television landscape – it was at least nice to see that he was sent off with love and style and his own sort of gay wedding.

What can you say about a segment that featured Furbies, the real DJ Baby Bok Choy and an Anderson Cooper-Seth Meyers fist fight? Only that it was a perfect homage and finale to one of SNL’s most original and beloved characters.

(Note: For everything you ever wanted to know about the 38 seasons of SNL check out the funny, brand new and exhaustively researched book, Saturday Night Live FAQ: Everything Left to Know About Television’s Longest-Running Comedy. The author is Stephen Tropiano and he’s the Seth to my inner Stefon)

Note: Hader created Stefon with the very talented comedian-writer John Mulaney. His standup act is hilarious and he is doing a new TV comedy for Fox next year in which he’ll star as the young, struggling comedian he once was. Co-starring will be Martin Short. Must see TV? We think so.

ROCKIN’ NEWS MOMENT OF THE YEAR

US Supreme Court Pro Gay Marriage Ruling.

Starring: Rob Reiner, David Boies, Ted Olson, Edie Windsor, Kristin Perry & Sandra Stier, Paul Katami & Jeffrey Zarrillo – and President Barack Obama.

There has not been a film or television movie about it – yet. But this year’s landmark US Supreme Court rulings that officially legalized gay marriage on a federal level is a landmark case that will have positive civil rights repercussions for generations.

Not to be partisan – but I will be – the reasoning behind this decision was foreshadowed in Pres. Obama’s 2013 inauguration speech where he talked about the journey “through Seneca Falls and Selma and Stonewall.” Translation: the struggle for women’s rights, civil rights, and LGBT rights are all one in the same and if the US stands for anything it means we progress towards freedoms for not some but all Americans. Here is his exact quote:

We, the people, declare today that the most evident of truths—that all of us are created equal—is the star that guides us still; just as it guided our forebears through Seneca Falls and Selma and Stonewall; just as it guided all those men and women, sung and unsung, who left footprints along this great Mall, to hear a preacher say that we cannot walk alone; to hear a King proclaim that our individual freedom is inextricably bound to the freedom of every soul on earth.

Arguing the case were lawyers Boies and Olson – adversaries in another famous US Supreme Court case, Bush v. Gore, for the courageous LGBT defendants Windsor, Perry, Stier, Katami and Zarrillo. Oh, and if you don’t think it takes courage to be the public face in a civil rights case in terms of time, attention and vociferous hate mail – try it some time. Or better yet, just post a comment to any random website where you disagree with an extreme right wing position – as I did this weekend about A & E’s reversing its decision to reinstate Duck Dynasty’s hate-speaking Phil Robertson – and note the number of truly savage, hate-filled responses you get. It ain’t pretty.

A meathead no more!

Finally, you can dislike whatever Rob Reiner films you choose to but you cannot be disagreeable about his overwhelming commitment of time and energy to both raise money and personally finance the fight for gay marriage through it’s case origins in California right up through to the US Supreme Court. There are political activists in the industry but few with Mr. Reiner’s reach, fervor or unwavering determination. And, uh – p.s. – he’s not even g-a-y. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

BREAKING BAD – THE FINALE SEASON

Tear.

There are so few moments in pop culture that live up to the hype. But the phenomenon that was Breaking Bad was one of them. I was admittedly late to the game in catching up with all seven seasons but given the national cultural hysteria I finally gave in, knowing full well that I would inevitably be disappointed.

Okay, well, so I don’t know everything.

I chronicled my eight days of binge-watching all 52 BB episodes here in time to join the real world in real time for the finale. It might make my life seem small and insignificant to note that it is one of the few experiences I will never forget – but only if you have never tuned in and checked out the show itself.

Why does it work? There are so many obvious reasons – great writing, acting, directing and across-the-board terrific technical talents. But it was also a perfect reflection of our times in telling the story of an extremely smart but downtrodden everyman – nee a financially struggling high school chemistry teacher who is suddenly diagnosed with terminal cancer– who will do anything to provide not only for his family but for himself before he dies. And anything means – A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G. If you want to know more than that, borrow some DVDs or hack into someone else’s Netflix account.

Finales are tricky but this one proved every bit as powerful as each and every episode before it. Sadly, this was not the case with another departing hit show fave of mine – Dexter. Yes, endings are tough. But ending well and going out the way you came in (Note: Yes, that’s an unintentional quote from the 1967 camp classic Valley of the Dolls) – that’s the toughest.

ROCKIN’ THE WOOL OVER THE AUDIENCE’S EYES — IT’S A TIE!!!

HBO’S Behind the Candelabra & NBC’s The Sound of Music – LIVE

Help!

Popularity doesn’t mean you rock. It just means you’re popular. I mean, did Paris Hilton rock? Does (or did?) Kim Kardashian? Or, to put it another way, did Crash deserve to win the best picture Oscar over Brokeback Mountain? (Note: Watch them again and then compare and report back).

What popularity does account for are bodies taking notice of you or your deeds or your product. That does not mean you’re good or even well done. It just means you are and that you got A LOT of attention.

Therefore, by any objective standards the Liberace movie called Behind the Candelabra and the NBC live three-hour broadcast of the beloved musical The Sound of Music starring country singer Carrie Underwood were phenomenal hits. But to my mind, not in a good way. Carrie Underwood has a pleasant voice but cannot act. I mean, I could’ve played a better Maria – especially if I got to do some of those lines next to Audra MacDonald.

As for story of closeted gay icon pianist Liberace – it was not the true story – that would have been far more salacious since Liberace’s real life lover Scott Thorson was 16 years old when they first met and couldn’t have been played by Matt Damon. Had the real story been told – and not just the gay men as spectacle tale– it would have had to be shown as the telefilm version of NBC’s To Catch A Predator.

In conclusion, and put it in high school terms – which often works in all things Hollywood – there is no way to argue with popularity. It either is or it isn’t and you either are or you’re not. But remember – the Emperor’s New Clothes were once popular, too. Just sayin’.

ROCKIN’ SENTIMENTAL MOVIE OF THE YEAR

Saving Mr. Banks

Believe the hype.

No, I’m not going to defend myself. I loved it — and not just because I loved Mary Poppins as a kid. The film is being sold as a comedy but it’s really about how writers (or any artists) try to survive the painful moments of childhood by weaving its high and low points into some sort of creative expression that can correct and/or save you or your loved ones from the situation. As a writer who has done just that – and speaking for anyone else who hopes to do just that – you can keep all of your snide, snickering bah humbug remarks to yourself.

Plus – there’s Emma Thompson. She’s not only sad, touching and irascibly funny in the movie, she gives the most hilarious press interviews you’ll ever want to see. Case closed.

ROCKIN’ MALE PERFORMANCE OF THE YEAR:

Oscar Isaac, Inside Llewyn Davis

Me-Ow

The guy can act AND sing. No, seriously – he can really, really sing. You can’t fake that when you’re playing the lead role of a folk singer in 1961 Greenwich Village in a Coen Bros. movie and a good part of the film is you, in five feet of close-up, chirping unadorned for the entire international world to see.

Also when the moments that you are singing onstage are the only ones where the audience can truly sympathize with your character’s plight, it is an enormous acting challenge. Therefore, it didn’t surprise me or anyone else to hear the filmmakers admit publicly on a panel after an early screening of their film that had Mr. Isaac not walked in and nailed his audition very late in the casting process they were not sure if they would be able to make their movie at all.

The film as a whole is to a taste. Okay, it’s odd. But it’s also a rare opportunity to watch someone you’ve probably never seen onscreen before totally morph into an unforgettable character you’re unlikely to see onscreen again at any time soon. If ever.

ROCKIN’ FEMALE PERFORMANCE OF THE YEAR IN TECH ACHIEVEMENT OF THE YEAR:

Sandra Bullock, Gravity

Floating towards.. Oscar?

Oh, hiss and boo your own selves, as Bette Midler so aptly put it in her 1985 comedy album Mud Will Be Flung, Tonight! I thought Sandy (yeah, that’s what everyone in the biz calls her) was pretty great in the movie….actually, quite great.

Fine – you try acting to nothing for most of your time on camera. And when I say nothing I mean – nada. There’s a green screen behind you. You’re suspended in the air in a heavy faux astronaut’s uniform. And you’re shooting on and off for years on end, trying to maintain some continuity of your character’s emotional state while the technical team behind your film tries over and over again to get the special effects just right.

Yeah, yeah, I know Cate Blanchett was terrific in Blue Jasmine. But why does digging into the emotional life of a Ruth Madoff meets Blanche DuBois character have to trump the acting skill it takes to survive the contemporary vagaries of big major studio, SFX ridden contemporary Hollywood while simultaneously delivering an against-the-odds truly convincing performance that literally carries the film? It doesn’t. Sorry. Sandy wins.

PS – Yes, her body looked good in those shorts. So what??!!!

PPS – The movie was a huge leap in what we can do in SFX – not that you care!!

ROCKIN’ ACCLAIMED NOVEL I STARTED THREE TIMES BUT CAN’T YET CRACK:

The Goldfinch By Donna Tart

This is thoroughly unfair but why can’t I read past pg. 20 of 761 pages no matter how many times I read those 20 pages over? I know the book is acclaimed but why, why, why is its prose so dry, dry, dry and leaving me so parched, parched, parched? Too much TV?

(Note: Before judging me you should know I read every wet word of both Jonathon Franzen’s The Corrections AND Freedom and always wanted more).

ROCKIN’ UNACCLAIMED MEMOIR I LIKE TO READ ESSAYS FROM:

Beautifully Unique Sparkleponies, By Chris Kluwe

Also.. best hair!

Funny, snide, smart, scrappy, funny, fun, fun.

And it’s not only because he’s hot and spoke up for the gays. And…personally answered one of my tweets. On Twitter. In a direct message. Okay, maybe that’s part of it. But it’s not…everything.

ROCKIN(EST) SCARY VERSION OF THE FUTURE THAT MIGHT ALREADY BE THE PRESENT:

Spike Jonze’s Her

Falling in love… no buffering

This is a world where a lonely fella can fall in love with his operating system (OS). Yes, the OS is voiced brilliantly by Scarlett Johansson, who strangely enough gives what, oddly, is her best screen performance. The sexy rasp and all…

Still, there is something significant happening here that goes well beyond Simone, the interesting but long forgotten 2002 film where a man concocts the ideal virtual female. What’s going on is also significantly depressing if you think about it for too long or in the wrong way. What is the right way to consider a world in the not so distant future where many of us are so incapable of relationships that we turn to our computers or mobile devices for our primary emotional attachments? To admit that it is really happening right now? Or to dismiss that notion as some sort of superficial movie industry take on New Media for Dummies? Hmm, maybe neither.

None of this would work at all were it not for Joaquin Phoenix’s extremely committed performance. But none of it would even be possible at all without the originality Spike Jonze brings to a subject matter so easy to present in a hackneyed way.

Wait – originality? Yeah, I said it – you didn’t have to. So, maybe 2013 leaves us with some hope after all? Well, we can all rock to… this:

10.27.13

by notesfromachair

26 Years a Spouse

Last week , the Significant Other and I celebrated our 26^th anniversary together. This is not particularly significant for anyone but us. Except when it is.

I always thought in my heart that I was a relationship kind of guy who would never be in a long-term relationship. I just couldn’t see myself as part of one of those wise old couples dispensing advice from their comfy old home surrounded by photos and artifacts of a life well-lived and loved. And is it any wonder? Just writing those lines makes me (and probably you) want to run retching as far away as possible from that nobler-than-thou image of stability.

I did, however, easily see myself as a rich and famous Malibu loner lying back on an off-white linen couch in my fabulous beach house while staring out into the Pacific Ocean. This, of course, would be done nightly as I drank brandy and pondered the meaning of life both on the page and, intermittently, to the many friends, relatives and fans who would brave the Pacific Coast Highway or go to their local movie theatre or Broadway stage to view one of my great works of art or hear any one of my many grand bon mots in person. Oh, the isolation of it all! Oh, the burdens of genius! Poor, poor – but rich and famous – ME!!

So basically I’m Diane Keaton in any Nancy Meyers movie

Yes, I really did think this way. And if nothing else, it should illustrate how misguided and just plain wrong (Note: and full our ourselves) we can be about our lives and predetermined destiny.

I’m not a religious person so I don’t believe God has a plan. And if there even is a God, I doubt He/She/or HESHE has granted us anything but free will to steer our own course. Architects have plans, which are not dissimilar to a screenwriter’s step outline. And as every good writer/builder of anything knows- nothing is ever executed exactly as conceived in your mind or on paper. In fact, sometimes the final result bears little physical resemblance to your original vision but somehow captures the spirit, and even betters, what your best intentions indeed were.

Of course, none of this means you enter into a project blindly or unprepared.

Here’s what I’ve noticed after a quarter of a century of being in a relationship. People who want to be in love, try to be in love, or think they’re in love but find it’s not going well – all believe that if you’re in something that looks happy and long-term (and one where they actually suspect you still have sex with your beloved – uh yeah, they often ask) that you must know something they don’t.

Hmm, I am not always sure that’s accurate but, as I stated above, I’m not always the best judge of my true abilities. Clearly, I must have something to impart other than the fact that I don’t know anything all. (On That Note: please do not believe ANY of those uber successful artists who look down shyly and say things like: Oh, I don’t know. I just do my work and hope for the best, when asked about their good fortune. They are the best storytellers in the business and know full well, even if you don’t, exactly why and exactly how they were able to get where they are. They just have no intention of sharing it with you).

For what it’s worth, I do. Here is what I’ve noticed after a quarter of a century of – okay, don’t retch – being in a 26 year relationship where I am still very much in love with that very same person I started out with – and not with their best friend, my co-worker or the person I met at the gym two years ago who lives down the street.

Like all advice, feel free to take it or leave it – as you see fit.

COMPATIABLE WORLD VIEWS

Go for the laughs.

If you’re a drama queen, you need someone to lighten the load. If you’re the Joker – be it Heath Ledger, Jack Nicholson or even Caesar Romero – someone has to reel you in. Even if you’re none of these things, your life can, in its bad moments, seem like its worse than the ending of the most tragic 1940s melodrama you’ve ever seen. It is at these times where you’ll need the other person you’re with to not only be there but amuse you – if only for a moment. This doesn’t mean you marry Robin Williams (especially since he just got divorced for the third time). But it does mean you get with someone who you can depend on to occasionally bring a smile to your face. Or at least steer you towards something or someone who can. It also helps if you can laugh at the same things – even if that’s only each other.

Lust in Your Heart

As sure as your hair will go gray or go missing, you can count on occasionally getting tired of your mate. This should not be alarming. Tired doesn’t mean done or unexcited. It just means tired – for a lot of reasons.

Consequently, If you think you won’t occasionally be attracted to or fantasize about getting with some random other human at some moment of some given day, and believe this also doesn’t go for your mate, you have become John Lithgow in Footloose – the kind of guy who won’t let your daughter even listen to music because you believe it’s the gateway to some sort of epic downfall or betrayal.

Everyone has fantasies and wanderlust. Including the person you’re with. That’s different than the real thing. When either of you venture into the real other thing, that’s when you’re asking for trouble. Call me old-fashioned on that score and some have. In fact, one person I was with years ago got so exasperated that he shouted back that me and my values were hopelessly middle-class. Uh, yeah, so — I’m supposed to be insulted by that?

Values

Hollywood’s sweethearts

Many decades ago I worked on a movie that starred Anne Bancroft and when some interviewer asked her what the secret was to her long term Hollywood marriage to Mel Brooks she answered, We just look at life and the world in the same way. Plus, he makes me laugh.

Well, not everyone is as funny as Mel Brooks and not even Mel Brooks makes everyone laugh. What you value most in the world – honesty, money, security, world peace, beauty, macaroni and cheese instead of caviar – needs to coincide with the person you share your life with. This doesn’t mean a liberal can’t marry a conservative. Only that Bill Maher and Michelle Bachmann couldn’t be happy together.

By the way, several years before I worked on that movie I went to see a double feature in Santa Monica that included Volker Schlondorff’s The Tin Drum. Between shows I looked to the front/side of the theatre and saw a middle-aged couple giggling in their seats as they playfully poked each other. That couple was – and I’m not lying here – Anne Bancroft and Mel Brooks. So I knew first-hand that everything she was saying in that interview was true.

SHARING

Not So (Joined at the) Hip

Not so cute, actually.

You can only continue to truly appreciate someone special if you consistently go out into the world and experience how many real, unadulterated assholes there are. This means you need to have your own experiences and some of your own friends, hobbies and interests. That way you get to have some of your excitements and share your fatigues. You will also be the kind of interesting person your partner wants to spend time with because you’ll have something new to offer.

No – you are not endlessly fascinating despite what the mirror, your checkbook or your friends, co-workers or job title tell you. Like an old borscht Belt comic, your routine will get old. Try something different and don’t always drag the poor schnook that’s sharing your bed along with you. You’ll both be a lot better for it. Plus, you can make the experience seem a lot more desirable than it really was when you share it with them. That’s not lying, just merely accessorizing.

Sheets and Towels

I’m a firm believer in 400-thread count or more sheets, soft towels and as large of a bed as possible. You can share all of these (though I do like my own towel). But just know that the more comfortable they are the more intimate the experiences between them will be. (Note: Yes, it’s true, I don’t like camping. At least outdoors).

Scents that make sense

Don’t take notes from Monsieur Le Pew

Passing by a candle or perfume store in a mall leaves me with a headache the size of the national debt. Also, when I enter an empty elevator I literally start to bitch slap the invisible people who left it an empty pungent mess in a desperate attempt to pay them back for all the sneezing and nose tickling I am going to have to endure the rest of the day.

There is a reason why they invented perfume-free and dye-free laundry soap as well as various other unscented accouterments. Don’t assume everyone, especially a date or someone more serious, wants to swim in a sea of Chanel. Or even Calvin Klein. Your house, your bedroom and you are not in Paris at the turn of the century – unless this is the agreed upon routine for both you and the S.I. And if so, don’t expect any invitations to my (I mean, OUR) house.

Body Rot…and stuff

Not to get too personal, but have you noticed when you watch HGTV’s House Hunters that every single couple bridles when a realtor shows them a prospective apartment or home that has a master bathroom with no door? Think about it. Then think about it some more.

And while we’re getting intimate, it is also important to remember that – as Sandra Bullock and George Clooney have recently proven – gravity is a fact of life whether you want to admit it or not. Given the proper conditions, EVERYTHING drops. So when you or someone you’ve loved for a long time (Note: they can be one in the same) passes an unexpected mirror and you gasp (and perhaps sometimes in horror), don’t be surprised and don’t be ashamed. Though feel free to turn out the lights. Or laugh. But only at yourself and not at them. At least to their face.

LOVE AND – MARRIAGE?

Wedding vs. Sin

Listen up, Kurt and Blaine.

I’m going to get raked over the coals for this but I always thought one of the advantages of being gay was that you didn’t have the choice of whether to get married. You actually had to work really hard on a relationship because you didn’t have the option of society’s tacit approval. Yes, adversaries can bring you two together.

Oh, of course I love the idea that gay couples can now get married if that is their desire. And my partner and I just might be persuaded if for nothing else than for tax benefits and to surprise people. But before getting the government involved – try living in sin first. Please. It’s good practice and much more…well….sinful. And sinning wouldn’t be called what it is if it didn’t feel good.

Finally, if you don’t have the money (and even if you do) PLEASE DO NOT spend a fortune on your wedding. BUY REAL ESTATE, GO TO EUROPE, SAVE, OR DONATE TO CHARITY. Just trust me on this.

Money

See last paragraph above. It’s the #1 reason couples argue and break up and it is the #2 worst argument you can have. (Note: For #1, see lust in your heart, above).

Yes, money is important but it’s not essential. So don’t lie about it. Have the money talks — honestly. Listen, I’ve known three billionaires. All three have been in relationships but none have lasted. Among the millionaires I’ve known I’d say it’s 50-50. Among everyone else it’s also 50-50 or better. Meaning – money is irrelevant long term as long as you think about it the same way and don’t hate each other for having too little or too much. Yes, you heard me – too much. Nothing can come between two people more than too much, it can be even more treacherous than too little.

Children aren’t an answer – they’re a question.

One of my dearest female friends who has been happily married for thirty years has regaled me with countless stories about other people questioning her and husband about why they don’t have kids. Oh, could you not have any? Why don’t you adopt? Oh, well are you planning to have them? (Note: The latter stopped several years ago, she admitted, when her age made the question a bit unseemly. It then became – Gee, that’s too bad because you two would have made great parents).

I’m not a parent nor do I have any plans to be. I have never had this desire and I was very clear with my partner on this upfront. You should be too. Yes, you can change your mind. I mean, I love brussels sprouts these days yet I gagged at the thought of them the first time I went to a Christian friend’s house for dinner and they were served with a plate of lumpy mashed potatoes. (Note: NY Jewish households in the 60s and 70s opted for canned veggies swimming in mystery syrup).

Bottom Line: You are allowed to change your mind about having kids before you have them but you cannot be surprised or outraged if your partner feels as they always have. However, neither one of you can change your mind once they are born and running around the house.

Final bottom Line: The best parents I know understand and respect childless couples. They also get the similar love that couples or single friends might have for a pet or other animals in general. Often, they themselves have tried this first before jumping into the deep end. So don’t let anyone tell you that parental instincts can’t come in all shapes and sizes. (Note: No, our dog Rosie did NOT make me write the latter).

A HOME IS NOT A HOUSE

Moving In

Note: Moving is never this happy.

The next morning after our first date, the Significant Other turned to me – yes, I was THAT kind of guy – and said, So, when are you moving in?

Well, I just about freaked out. No one – not ONE person I had ever been involved with up to that point, had ever mentioned this subject even though I had long fantasized about it. So why now and why this soon? And why did it make me so nervous? Was what I thought I wanted just a big fat scary fantasy, or even lie? Perhaps. Time would only tell. And – it did.

Point being – it’s tricky to know anything for sure but in your heart you’ll realize when it feels right to at least attempt the leap. Don’t back off of it. But don’t dive in and close your eyes to all reason just because there’s an offer on the table.

Big Clue: Your partner is just as nervous and just as excited as you are about cohabitating. Joy, not only misery, loves company.

Buy or Rent?

You can’t keep up with the Joneses because there are literally millions of Joneses in the U.S. – 1,3362,755 of them to be exact. It’s the fifth most common name in the country and even if you tried you could never match what the best of them have.

Therefore, in terms of love it doesn’t matter if you rent, buy or do anything in between. The S.I. and I were often put on the spot by acquaintances and perfect strangers about how dumb we were, especially in the 80s and 90s, to not buy real estate. But we’re still together as happy renters in 2013 while many of our naysayers have either lost their homes, broken up with their spouses, or done both.

What is preferable is for every couple to have some tiny space that is their own. And we all know implicitly how to give people space – either literally or figuratively.

And Finally:

STRATEGERY

Pick and Choose your Battles

Choose wisely.

I hate to quote Will Ferrell quoting George W. Bush on anything but — ya gotta use strategery when arguing . In non-Dubya language that means that you weigh what’s really important.

Every couple must argue, or worse yet, fight. If you consistently say nothing, you’re a Stepford spouse and everyone knows what happened to that hideous remake (Oh, Bette). Yet if you scream and yell all the time you’ll be Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton in Edward Albee’s Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?, entwined in a codependent hell of your own making without any acclaim or awards to show for it.

Some things that bug the crap out of you may not be worth bringing up. Other small things might be. But, as the years go by, you figure it out. You learn how to say it without becoming a George or a Martha. As Joe Mankiewicz famously wrote in All About Eve – one has to learn that what is attractive onstage need not necessarily be attractive off.

The good thing about arguing is that you get to make up.

And the good thing about a long-term relationship that works is that you reach a point where you become too wise to sweat the small stuff. You learn what is important. If only for you and your S. I. of choice.

notes from a chair

Tag Archives: Gay marriage

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