Oscar Detox

OK boys.. back to storage!

OK boys.. back to storage!

Call me crazy (and many have), but jokes about Chris Brown and Rihanna, Jewish-controlled Hollywood and the breasts of famous actresses as sung by host Seth MacFarlane and the Gay Men’s Chorus of Los Angeles (that memorable ditty We Saw Your Boobsand no, I’m not kidding) are simply not funny.

Yes, we like to call this Oscar Detox.  And there will be more – a lot more – this weekend.

For now, let me point out some interesting factoids:

  1. This year’s Oscar show clocked in at 3 hours and 35 minutes  – only the sixth longest in history.  So then why did it feel longer than Lincoln with only a tenth of its intelligence?
  2. Approximately 10% of the 2013 Oscars was devoted to a 10 year old movie, Chicago, complete with a prerecorded musical warble by one of its stars and an elongated presentation of two 2013 awards by all of its stars.  Note:  It might be relevant that the producers of this year’s Oscars also produced Chicago.  Though it might not. (Not!)
  3. Somehow the live version of the cast of Les Miserables singing its big first act curtain song, One Day More, managed to be better than the totality of the entire film.  Concert tour, perhaps?  And —  how did they manage that???
  4. I was convinced I had 12 drinks too many when First Lady Michelle Obama and Jack Nicholson shared a virtual stage to present the winner of best picture to Argo.  If you would’ve asked me six months ago at this time if either one could possibly happen in my lifetime I would say no.  And, I would add – “That has as much chance of being on the Oscars as William Shatner dressed as Captain Kirk, making proclamations from the future!”

This all shows what I know.  Speaking of which – I hope no one bet the farm based on my predictions.  I got three of the four acting awards, the writing awards and best picture correct.  But I fell into the trap I warned you against – choosing Steven Spielberg as best director because I thought he deserved it over Ang Lee for Life of Pi, knowing full well the Academy was going to find a way to award the technical brilliance of Life of Pi.  Still, Ang Lee seems like a lovely man – so there is that. (Note:  Though not as lovely as Daniel Day-Lewis.  Who is not as lovely as Bradley Cooper).

Please, someone stop me.

Okay, I will leave that up to my loyal editor, Holly Van Buren, who will also grade me on the rest of my predictions.  This will hurt but I suppose I deserve it after a decade of giving grades, rather than being graded myself.  Though in case you were wondering — this year’s Oscar show grade: C- (And that’s only because they got Michelle Obama AND Adele).  My grade for this year’s host, myself, as well as much more?  Tune in this weekend.

And now, to quote Quentin: Peace out.


Grading the Chair

The ever humble Chair was obviously reluctant to admit he did a phenomenal job predicting the seemingly unpredictable. He did, however, have one major misstep (which is, of course, not the fault of his trusty editor.. ahem). He missed a category! The Draconian grader inside of me wants to saddle him with a big, giant INCOMPLETE, but perhaps the years have softened me. After all, it was only Production Design, and what does a writer know about that anyhow? (I kid, of course, as this was clearly the result of the Academy snubbing the incredible production design of Disclosure  in 94, of which the Chair has long begrudged).

But back to the grades… The Chair comes in with a whopping 17 of 23 correct, approximately 74% correct. Now, in tradition of A-F grading, this would land him a weak C, but in the world of the Oscars, we all know there’s a curve. For a sweep in the ever-pool-busting short subject category, we add +5  points. And for correctly predicting both writing awards, and thus, maintaining his credibility in all respects (as if it were up to debate!), we add another +2, landing the Chair with a 91%… in other words, an A-

A rousing round of applause is due…


Stay tuned for this weekend’s full Oscar coverage… including a plea for the safe return of Bruce Vilanch (who is holding him hostage?!)

7 thoughts on “Oscar Detox

  1. That live performance of One Day More actually had the theatricality, physicality, staging, and energy to it that was lacking throughout the entire film. It helped that I could see their bodies, and not just their floating heads. It also helped that this time they had a choreographer.

    Why was Captain Kirk there? I didn’t get it. Though the Star Trek geek in me did like seeing him in the outfit one last time after Ron Moore gave him such an unceremonious death in Generations. I also didn’t get why Chicago was there. Do people even still watch that movie?

    Seth wasn’t funny, but he also wasn’t nearly as annoying as I thought he would be. And I did like that one Sound of Music joke.

  2. I think Mr. Spisak would say -10 for missing the Production Designer award!

  3. The Oscars, normally, forever, have been sort of HIGH HOLIDAYS….something I look forward to all year. It was a serious event, with impact and well, meant something? While there were a few moments this year, overall it made me think of how closely the Oscars, the totality of them (producers, writers, directors, talent), made me think of The GOP. Neither seems to have a clue what to do, where to go or what to look like. At least the O’s had Barbra, Shirley, Adele, Charlize, Jennifer, Ben and DDL. It was a mess from beginning to end and I blame it all on the producers who should know better. It’s like they vomited all over my HIGH HOLIDAYS!!!! Does the word self serving ring a bell? How about grossly overblown?????? No wonder people watch the Oscars and place great importance on them but, they/we/me LOVE the Globes. Oy

  4. ………….and I don’t blame Seth that much. He’s actually talented, charming and funny. Again, I blame the producers and Bruce Vilanch mostly, for not having written it!!!!!!!! Bastard

  5. Seth MacFarlane was just an idiotic choice. Whoever selected him should be publicly flogged to high ratings.

    Hey, I think Seth is talented and his movie Ted was both charming and foul (and a worldwide box office of $539,815,487 agrees with me on that.)

    But “charming and foul” is not what you really want from an Oscar host. What works? Urban and witty (Steve Martin, Whoopi Goldberg) are fine host qualities as well as enthusiastic (Jon Stewart.) But choosing a host (MacFarlane) whose humor is “shamelessly tasteless” is gilding the lily on a ceremony that struggles for dignity on any day. Billy Crystal nailed this bloated affair in 2012 when he said: “So tonight, enjoy yourselves because nothing can take the sting out of the world’s economic problems like watching millionaires present each other with golden statues.”

    • You’re so spot on with this. I too like him generally but I knew this was a terrible choice after watching him announce the nominees. It immediately somehow became all about him. Plus, what works in animation doesn’t necessarily translate to live action – especially in an Awards ceremony like the Oscars. But mostly, he made the biggest error a host can make – he wasn’t funny. (except for the “Sound of Music” joke).

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