Call me crazy (and many have), but jokes about Chris Brown and Rihanna, Jewish-controlled Hollywood and the breasts of famous actresses as sung by host Seth MacFarlane and the Gay Men’s Chorus of Los Angeles (that memorable ditty We Saw Your Boobs – and no, I’m not kidding) are simply not funny.
Yes, we like to call this Oscar Detox. And there will be more – a lot more – this weekend.
For now, let me point out some interesting factoids:
- This year’s Oscar show clocked in at 3 hours and 35 minutes – only the sixth longest in history. So then why did it feel longer than Lincoln with only a tenth of its intelligence?
- Approximately 10% of the 2013 Oscars was devoted to a 10 year old movie, Chicago, complete with a prerecorded musical warble by one of its stars and an elongated presentation of two 2013 awards by all of its stars. Note: It might be relevant that the producers of this year’s Oscars also produced Chicago. Though it might not. (Not!)
- Somehow the live version of the cast of Les Miserables singing its big first act curtain song, One Day More, managed to be better than the totality of the entire film. Concert tour, perhaps? And — how did they manage that???
- I was convinced I had 12 drinks too many when First Lady Michelle Obama and Jack Nicholson shared a virtual stage to present the winner of best picture to Argo. If you would’ve asked me six months ago at this time if either one could possibly happen in my lifetime I would say no. And, I would add – “That has as much chance of being on the Oscars as William Shatner dressed as Captain Kirk, making proclamations from the future!”
This all shows what I know. Speaking of which – I hope no one bet the farm based on my predictions. I got three of the four acting awards, the writing awards and best picture correct. But I fell into the trap I warned you against – choosing Steven Spielberg as best director because I thought he deserved it over Ang Lee for Life of Pi, knowing full well the Academy was going to find a way to award the technical brilliance of Life of Pi. Still, Ang Lee seems like a lovely man – so there is that. (Note: Though not as lovely as Daniel Day-Lewis. Who is not as lovely as Bradley Cooper).
Please, someone stop me.
Okay, I will leave that up to my loyal editor, Holly Van Buren, who will also grade me on the rest of my predictions. This will hurt but I suppose I deserve it after a decade of giving grades, rather than being graded myself. Though in case you were wondering — this year’s Oscar show grade: C- (And that’s only because they got Michelle Obama AND Adele). My grade for this year’s host, myself, as well as much more? Tune in this weekend.
And now, to quote Quentin: Peace out.
Grading the Chair
The ever humble Chair was obviously reluctant to admit he did a phenomenal job predicting the seemingly unpredictable. He did, however, have one major misstep (which is, of course, not the fault of his trusty editor.. ahem). He missed a category! The Draconian grader inside of me wants to saddle him with a big, giant INCOMPLETE, but perhaps the years have softened me. After all, it was only Production Design, and what does a writer know about that anyhow? (I kid, of course, as this was clearly the result of the Academy snubbing the incredible production design of Disclosure in 94, of which the Chair has long begrudged).
But back to the grades… The Chair comes in with a whopping 17 of 23 correct, approximately 74% correct. Now, in tradition of A-F grading, this would land him a weak C, but in the world of the Oscars, we all know there’s a curve. For a sweep in the ever-pool-busting short subject category, we add +5 points. And for correctly predicting both writing awards, and thus, maintaining his credibility in all respects (as if it were up to debate!), we add another +2, landing the Chair with a 91%… in other words, an A-
A rousing round of applause is due…
Stay tuned for this weekend’s full Oscar coverage… including a plea for the safe return of Bruce Vilanch (who is holding him hostage?!)