Minority Reports

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Everyone feels marginalized at one time or another even when they’re not.  You know it when it happens to you – even when you’re generally safe, comfortable and in the majority.  It’s the moment when you perceive you’re not being treated fairly or the time where you helplessly watch as an undeserving person or group achieves a goal that should’ve been bestowed on you or yours.  Or, at the very least shouldn’t have been theirs.

The downside of this is that furor reaches a tipping point – sometimes nationally or even internationally – and sends the planet into chaos.

The upside is it’s responsible for great art.  And sometimes even change.  And, in rare times, both.

The above accounts for the national temper tantrum currently being thrown by White America via the Tea Party (uh yeah, they’re mostly WHITE) and the determination of their national representatives to shut down as much government as possible under the rule of that Kenyan Muslim Communist Marxist or just plain Black President Barack Obama.

But it is also reflected in such boundary pushing current movies as 12 Years a Slave, Blue is The Warmest Color and Dallas Buyers Club.  If it were not for the miscarriages of justice each illustrates on the part of the African-American, gay, female and poor and sick communities, none of these films would exist in their current form.

No one wants to support human suffering in the name of potentially great art – except perhaps a writer or two.  As a member of the general population of the latter group, I must admit I have wondered where I’d be creatively were it not for the traumatic moments in my childhood that I managed to spin into stories of snide yet noble survival that reflected what I perceived to be some of my own unfair misfortune (Note: Is there fair misfortune? Something to think about).

Jury's still out on this one.

Jury’s still out on this one.

Still, that’s an entirely other, too personal subject and strays away from the main point.  In clear-minded moments I choose to believe if given the option I would gladly trade in the art in for a more blissful beginning.  But deep down I’m not so sure if, knowing the eventual good outcome, that kind of trade would even be possible.

No one is safe from perceived oppression even if the facts are that you’re not particularly oppressed.  That’s because human nature being what it is, we will all experience real slights, often based on nothing more than the way we look or what particular group we’ve been marginalized into via race, religion, body size, sex or sexual preference, athletic skill, age, money (too much or too little) or some other incendiary category. (Note: Yes, some slights, though they may be real hurts to you, do pale against the more big-ticket items).

The question is: what do you do to counter, cope or overthrow what’s going on – or what you think is going on?  How do you marshal the forces to get your point across? What creates change, or at least catharsis?  How long does it take?  How do you live with it?  Or better yet – can we ever eliminate it all together and, well….all just get along?

Not likely.   But as we currently say – eventually – it gets better.  No one movie or song or TV show will do it and it will likely not happen in a sinlge year.  And certainly our political systems move at a snail’s pace – even as they’re prodded by art and cultural upheaval.  Often it takes generations and creates change so glacial and imperceptible for the current generation that it becomes difficult for them to really understand the severity of what existed decades before they were even bought into or became part of the world.

Last weekend I watched both 12 Years a Slave and Blue is the Warmest Color back to back – and bully for me because that’s 5 and a half straight hours of dramatic filmmaking, a rarity these days – I became acutely aware of how similar all of our struggles against oppression are.  And yet, how individual and dissimilar certain elements of them are when we’re put into the position of watching them dramatically unfold in no consecutive order other than the timing at the scheduled movie theater and screening.

Serious stuff.

Serious stuff.

12 Years a Slave was my first lesson – and yes, it often felt that way.  There will be no spoilers here other than to state what you already know from the title and the trailer.  An upscale free Black man with a loving wife and family from the North gets snatched off the street in the mid-1800s and sold as a slave to the South in the halcyon days of the Confederacy.  Much of the movie is rightfully grotesque and hideous as we watch this classic case of the worst kind of mistaken (or perhaps engineered) identity play out.  This is not a Gone with the Wind, Amistad or even Django Unchained kind of story.  Director Steve McQueen and writer John Ridley, both of whom are Black, are determined to tell the unvarnished truth of what it meant centuries ago to be a human being who is owned by other humans in much the same way that a farmer owns any animal that he intends to use for work and/or eventual (perhaps even likely) slaughter.

There is rightness to this film, if for no other reason than to make up for the century old legacy of movies that have presented slavery as anything more nuanced than the above.  But there is also a heavy dramatic price to pay for what we’re watching.  Countless repetitious moments of bloody torture.  A mostly one-sided depiction of cruelty by broadly drawn villains from another time.  Rarefied dialogue that often feels written – alternating between speechy or spoken in a period syntax that occasionally comes off as grandly Shakespearean or just a little too plain grand.

ACTING!

ACTING!

And yet – you can’t leave the theater unhappy that this movie was made or that it is getting some attention.  No, this is not liberal guilt.  This simply is.  Why hasn’t a big, solely dramatic movie ever been made that gives us such an unrelenting picture of what it was like to be a slave from the point of view of being a slave?  Has it really taken this long?  And why has it taken this long?  This story, and the book it is based on, has been around for decades.

On the other hand, as someone who likes multi-layered plots and characters I couldn’t help but feel that I was being left behind for some broader political statement that was being made – one that has been earned but one that is, in the final analysis, not very complex.  I don’t want the Southern White guys to get off too easily as simply monsters from another era.  I wanted to see more depth, more layers of perceived oppressions from both sides – strange as that sounds.  What is it an old writing teacher once told me – a hero is only as well written as the villain who is oppressing him.  In this case, there’s not much there there.

In light of the rave reviews and overwhelmingly positive cultural reaction so far to 12 Years A Slave (Note: Cue the news shows, the talk circuit, the awards and the Oprah), as I write this I’m feeling as White Male Privileged as I’ve ever felt.  That is even if, in my mind, I’ve never really felt a part of that fortunate majority as a short, gay, Jew.  Is it because this is not my history that this movie didn’t resonate for me in the way that…uh….Schindler’s List or, well, Parting Glances did? Perhaps.  But as an American this IS my history.  Or is it?  Well, let’s just say it’s part of my history – actually our history.  Whether we’re Americans or not, we are all human.

Feeling Blue?

Feeling Blue?

Blue is the Warmest Color has another issue.  It is a three-hour French film with no plot other than what will happen in a love relationship.  Will the lovers stay together or will they break up?  Usually a movie logline continues and sets the relationship against –-

  1. The backdrop of war
  2. Feuding families
  3. A skating or piano competition
  4. A boxing match.

It is to this film’s credit – and partly due to the fact that it is French because no one makes better and more leisurely films about romance than they do – that Blue offers no such counterpoint.  Oh, well other than the fact that in this case these two lovers are both FEMALE – nee GAY.

The achievement here is that the gay is fairly incidental in this love story.  Perhaps that is why it was so widely lauded as the Grand Prize winner at the Cannes Film Festival and is on every critical prognosticator’s list of top films of the year thus far.  Can the fact that there is a film starring two gay characters that doesn’t really seem like it should be a considered a film that primarily examines gay issues be considered, in itself, progressive?  Oddly enough, yes.

A gay mentor of mine from the early eighties who is no longer around once said to me that it is when we treat being gay as an integrated and almost incidental part of our characters in books, movies and on television that we’ll know we’ve made real progress.  In this case I think he was right, as he was on many subjects, though it pains me that partly because of our lack of progress on gay issues at the time of his death he is no longer around to see his pronouncement become a reality.

OK peel me off the floor

OK peel me off the floor

I am again not engaging in spoilers when I tell you that Blue traces the sexual awakening of a high school girl who instantly becomes fascinated with a blue-haired young woman four years older and many more years experienced than she is. But beyond its very initial stages, the story pretty much ignores the LESBIAN issue in favor of what happens when two matched yet mismatched young people fall in love.  It’s leisurely, evocative, erotic and very real.  And it is especially, for this type of film, very long.

In Blue, character doesn’t enrich the plot – character IS the plot.  There is nothing else.  Gay, shmay.  It’s not about that.  Which is part of what I loved about the movie.  And part of why I suspect I could so relate to it and didn’t particularly mind the length.  My romanticized versions of some of my early relationships were reflecting back at me from the screen – all I had to do was change a few body parts.  Okay, I wasn’t a high school girl but I certainly felt like a high school girl, at least archetypically, in the midst of those experiences.  And now, in one of those rare times, I was watching them being played out onscreen– in French, no less!!

On the surface, I didn’t at all wonder why I ultimately preferred Blue over 12.  I’m much more of a love story guy than a historical action guy.  But the more I thought about it, the more I knew that it was more than that.  Who we are and what we’ve experienced is the window through which we feel and it will significantly determine how we’re moved and why we’re moved.  It is the reason why I keep not going to screenings of Dallas Buyers Club, a movie set in the mid-80s AIDS crisis where there were no effective drugs available and at a time where primarily gay men in the US were getting sick and quickly dying at record speed.

The skinny on Matt

The skinny on Matt

I watched the bodies of too many people I knew involuntarily emaciate the way the film’s lead actor, Matthew McConaughey voluntarily did when he went on a 1300 calorie a day diet to lose 49 lbs and become a skeletal version of his onscreen persona.  Never mind that he plays a heterosexual, bigoted White Texan – the image more than works for me.  Actually, too well.  Though I will see the movie and, at least from the trailer, it feels accurate, I’m not rushing out to the theater.  Yes, just as we need to relate our experiences to what we view and who we empathize with, the contrary is also true – some things can, at their very core, hit even much too close to home.  And you just need to gird yourself in order to get in the mood.

That is not to say that a story of Black America can’t move me as much or more as a love story between two contemporary gays, or even a plethora of dying gays and the friends thereof.  Only that, all things being fairly equal (which they never are) I can probably forgive a lot more in a film about the latter two because they more closely resonate to where I’ve been and who, at heart, I perceive I am.

As a wee child in the 1960’s through today, I have always believed, spoken and written that the struggles of each oppressed or marginalized minority were on some basic level the same.  That is the fight for equality and acceptance – the acknowledgement by others that we be considered no different than the person next door despite how we looked or where we came from.

I now see it is somewhat deeper than that.  Until we can recognize that there are some struggles that we can never fully understand, but yet can honor in the same way as our own, we will never quite be free of our divisive pasts.  This is not to proclaim I think about 12 Years a Slave any differently.  Only that I acknowledge that, given who I am, my perceptions about art and a lot of other things, are merely opinions rendered through my own personal lens.  This is equally true for everyone else on the planet – a fact that might be worth remembering next time we bridle at the radical personal, business or political statements of protest that comes from someone on the other side of an issue we might think we clearly see.

26 Years a Spouse

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Last week , the Significant Other and I celebrated our 26th anniversary together.  This is not particularly significant for anyone but us.  Except when it is.

I always thought in my heart that I was a relationship kind of guy who would never be in a long-term relationship.  I just couldn’t see myself as part of one of those wise old couples dispensing advice from their comfy old home surrounded by photos and artifacts of a life well-lived and loved.  And is it any wonder?  Just writing those lines makes me (and probably you) want to run retching as far away as possible from that nobler-than-thou image of stability.

I did, however, easily see myself as a rich and famous Malibu loner lying back on an off-white linen couch in my fabulous beach house while staring out into the Pacific Ocean.  This, of course, would be done nightly as I drank brandy and pondered the meaning of life both on the page and, intermittently, to the many friends, relatives and fans who would brave the Pacific Coast Highway or go to their local movie theatre or Broadway stage to view one of my great works of art or hear any one of my many grand bon mots in person.  Oh, the isolation of it all!  Oh, the burdens of genius!  Poor, poor – but rich and famous – ME!!

So basically I'm Diane Keaton in any Nancy Meyers movie

So basically I’m Diane Keaton in any Nancy Meyers movie

Yes, I really did think this way.  And if nothing else, it should illustrate how misguided and just plain wrong (Note: and full our ourselves) we can be about our lives and predetermined destiny.

I’m not a religious person so I don’t believe God has a plan.  And if there even is a God, I doubt He/She/or HESHE has granted us anything but free will to steer our own course.  Architects have plans, which are not dissimilar to a screenwriter’s step outline.  And as every good writer/builder of anything knows- nothing is ever executed exactly as conceived in your mind or on paper.   In fact, sometimes the final result bears little physical resemblance to your original vision but somehow captures the spirit, and even betters, what your best intentions indeed were.

Of course, none of this means you enter into a project blindly or unprepared.

Here’s what I’ve noticed after a quarter of a century of being in a relationship.  People who want to be in love, try to be in love, or think they’re in love but find it’s not going well – all believe that if you’re in something that looks happy and long-term  (and one where they actually suspect you still have sex with your beloved – uh yeah, they often ask) that you must know something they don’t.

Hmm, I am not always sure that’s accurate but, as I stated above, I’m not always the best judge of my true abilities.  Clearly, I must have something to impart other than the fact that I don’t know anything all.  (On That Note:  please do not believe ANY of those uber successful artists who look down shyly and say things like: Oh, I don’t know.  I just do my work and hope for the best, when asked about their good fortune. They are the best storytellers in the business and know full well, even if you don’t, exactly why and exactly how they were able to get where they are.  They just have no intention of sharing it with you).

For what it’s worth, I do.  Here is what I’ve noticed after a quarter of a century of – okay, don’t retch – being in a 26 year relationship where I am still very much in love with that very same person I started out with – and not with their best friend, my co-worker or the person I met at the gym two years ago who lives down the street.

Like all advice, feel free to take it or leave it – as you see fit.

COMPATIABLE WORLD VIEWS

Go for the laughs.

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If you’re a drama queen, you need someone to lighten the load.  If you’re the Joker – be it Heath Ledger, Jack Nicholson or even Caesar Romero – someone has to reel you in.   Even if you’re none of these things, your life can, in its bad moments, seem like its worse than the ending of the most tragic 1940s melodrama you’ve ever seen.  It is at these times where you’ll need the other person you’re with to not only be there but amuse you – if only for a moment.  This doesn’t mean you marry Robin Williams (especially since he just got divorced for the third time).  But it does mean you get with someone who you can depend on to occasionally bring a smile to your face.   Or at least steer you towards something or someone who can.   It also helps if you can laugh at the same things – even if that’s only each other.

Lust in Your Heart

As sure as your hair will go gray or go missing, you can count on occasionally getting tired of your mate.  This should not be alarming.  Tired doesn’t mean done or unexcited.  It just means tired – for a lot of reasons.

Consequently, If you think you won’t occasionally be attracted to or fantasize about getting with some random other human at some moment of some given day, and believe this also doesn’t go for your mate, you have become John Lithgow in Footloose – the kind of guy who won’t let your daughter even listen to music because you believe it’s the gateway to some sort of epic downfall or betrayal.

Everyone has fantasies and wanderlust.  Including the person you’re with. That’s different than the real thing. When either of you venture into the real other thing, that’s when you’re asking for trouble. Call me old-fashioned on that score and some have.  In fact, one person I was with years ago got so exasperated that he shouted back that me and my values were hopelessly middle-class.  Uh, yeah, so — I’m supposed to be insulted by that? 

Values

Hollywood's sweethearts

Hollywood’s sweethearts

Many decades ago I worked on a movie that starred Anne Bancroft and when some interviewer asked her what the secret was to her long term Hollywood marriage to Mel Brooks she answered, We just look at life and the world in the same way.  Plus, he makes me laugh.

Well, not everyone is as funny as Mel Brooks and not even Mel Brooks makes everyone laugh.  What you value most in the world – honesty, money, security, world peace, beauty, macaroni and cheese instead of caviar – needs to coincide with the person you share your life with.  This doesn’t mean a liberal can’t marry a conservative.  Only that Bill Maher and Michelle Bachmann couldn’t be happy together.

By the way, several years before I worked on that movie I went to see a double feature in Santa Monica that included Volker Schlondorff’s The Tin Drum.  Between shows I looked to the front/side of the theatre and saw a middle-aged couple giggling in their seats as they playfully poked each other.   That couple was – and I’m not lying  here – Anne Bancroft and Mel Brooks.  So I knew first-hand that everything she was saying in that interview was true.

SHARING

Not So (Joined at the) Hip

Not so cute, actually.

Not so cute, actually.

You can only continue to truly appreciate someone special if you consistently go out into the world and experience how many real, unadulterated assholes there are.  This means you need to have your own experiences and some of your own friends, hobbies and interests.   That way you get to have some of your excitements and share  your fatigues.  You will also be the kind of interesting person your partner wants to spend time with because you’ll have something new to offer.

No – you are not endlessly fascinating despite what the mirror, your checkbook or your friends, co-workers or job title tell you.  Like an old borscht Belt comic, your routine will get old.  Try something different and don’t always drag the poor schnook that’s sharing your bed along with you.  You’ll both be a lot better for it.  Plus, you can make the experience seem a lot more desirable than it really was when you share it with them.  That’s not lying, just merely accessorizing.

Sheets and Towels

I’m a firm believer in 400-thread count or more sheets, soft towels and as large of a bed as possible.  You can share all of these (though I do like my own towel).  But just know that the more comfortable they are the more intimate the experiences between them will be.  (Note:  Yes, it’s true, I don’t like camping.  At least outdoors).

Scents that make sense

Don't take notes from Monsieur Le Pew

Don’t take notes from Monsieur Le Pew

Passing by a candle or perfume store in a mall leaves me with a headache the size of the national debt.  Also, when I enter an empty elevator I literally start to bitch slap the invisible people who left it an empty pungent mess in a desperate attempt to pay them back for all the sneezing and nose tickling I am going to have to endure the rest of the day.

There is a reason why they invented perfume-free and dye-free laundry soap as well as various other unscented accouterments.  Don’t assume everyone, especially a date or someone more serious, wants to swim in a sea of Chanel. Or even Calvin Klein.  Your house, your bedroom and you are not in Paris at the turn of the century – unless this is the agreed upon routine for both you and the S.I.  And if so, don’t expect any invitations to my (I mean, OUR) house.

Body Rot…and stuff

Not to get too personal, but have you noticed when you watch HGTV’s House Hunters that every single couple bridles when a realtor shows them a prospective apartment or home that has a master bathroom with no door? Think about it.  Then think about it some more.

And while we’re getting intimate, it is also important to remember that – as Sandra Bullock and George Clooney have recently proven – gravity is a fact of life whether you want to admit it or not.  Given the proper conditions, EVERYTHING drops.  So when you or someone you’ve loved for a long time (Note: they can be one in the same) passes an unexpected mirror and you gasp (and perhaps sometimes in horror), don’t be surprised and don’t be ashamed.  Though feel free to turn out the lights.  Or laugh.  But only at yourself and not at them.  At least to their face.

LOVE AND – MARRIAGE?

Wedding vs. Sin

Listen up, Kurt and  Blaine.

Listen up, Kurt and Blaine.

I’m going to get raked over the coals for this but I always thought one of the advantages of being gay was that you didn’t have the choice of whether to get married.  You actually had to work really hard on a relationship because you didn’t have the option of society’s tacit approval.  Yes, adversaries can bring you two together.

Oh, of course I love the idea that gay couples can now get married if that is their desire.  And my partner and I just might be persuaded if for nothing else than for tax benefits and to surprise people.  But before getting the government involved – try living in sin first.  Please.  It’s good practice and much more…well….sinful.  And sinning wouldn’t be called what it is if it didn’t feel good.

Finally, if you don’t have the money (and even if you do) PLEASE DO NOT spend a fortune on your wedding.  BUY REAL ESTATE, GO TO EUROPE, SAVE, OR DONATE TO CHARITY.   Just trust me on this.

Money

See last paragraph above.  It’s the #1 reason couples argue and break up and it is the #2 worst argument you can have. (Note: For #1, see lust in your heart, above).

Yes, money is important but it’s not essential.  So don’t lie about it.  Have the money talks — honestly.  Listen, I’ve known three billionaires. All three have been in relationships but none have lasted.  Among the millionaires I’ve known I’d say it’s 50-50. Among everyone else it’s also 50-50 or better.  Meaning – money is irrelevant long term as long as you think about it the same way and don’t hate each other for having too little or too much.  Yes, you heard me – too much.  Nothing can come between two people more than too much, it can be even more treacherous than too little.

Children aren’t an answer – they’re a question.

quotes-not-having-children

One of my dearest female friends who has been happily married for thirty years has regaled me with countless stories about other people questioning her and husband about why they don’t have kids.  Oh, could you not have any?  Why don’t you adopt?  Oh, well are you planning to have them? (Note:  The latter stopped several years ago, she admitted, when her age made the question a bit unseemly.  It then became – Gee, that’s too bad because you two would have made great parents).

I’m not a parent nor do I have any plans to be.  I have never had this desire and I was very clear with my partner on this upfront.  You should be too.  Yes, you can change your mind.  I mean, I love brussels sprouts these days yet I gagged at the thought of them the first time I went to a Christian friend’s house for dinner and they were served with a plate of lumpy mashed potatoes. (Note:  NY Jewish households in the 60s and 70s opted for canned veggies swimming in mystery syrup).

Bottom Line:  You are allowed to change your mind about having kids before you have them but you cannot be surprised or outraged if your partner feels as they always have.  However, neither one of you can change your mind once they are born and running around the house.

Final bottom Line:  The best parents I know understand and respect childless couples.  They also get the similar love that couples or single friends might have for a pet or other animals in general.  Often, they themselves have tried this first before jumping into the deep end.  So don’t let anyone tell you that parental instincts can’t come in all shapes and sizes. (Note:  No, our dog Rosie did NOT make me write the latter).

A HOME IS NOT A HOUSE

Moving In

Note: Moving is never this happy.

Note: Moving is never this happy.

The next morning after our first date, the Significant Other turned to me – yes, I was THAT kind of guy – and said, So, when are you moving in?

Well, I just about freaked out.  No one – not ONE person I had ever been involved with up to that point, had ever mentioned this subject even though I had long fantasized about it.   So why now and why this soon?  And why did it make me so nervous? Was what I thought I wanted just a big fat scary fantasy, or even lie?  Perhaps.  Time would only tell.  And – it did.

Point being – it’s tricky to know anything for sure but in your heart you’ll realize when it feels right to at least attempt the leap.  Don’t back off of it.  But don’t dive in and close your eyes to all reason just because there’s an offer on the table.

Big Clue:  Your partner is just as nervous and just as excited as you are about cohabitating.  Joy, not only misery, loves company.

Buy or Rent?

You can’t keep up with the Joneses because there are literally millions of Joneses in the U.S. – 1,3362,755 of them to be exact.  It’s the fifth most common name in the country and even if you tried you could never match what the best of them have.

Therefore, in terms of love it doesn’t matter if you rent, buy or do anything in between. The S.I. and I were often put on the spot by acquaintances and perfect strangers about how dumb we were, especially in the 80s and 90s, to not buy real estate.  But we’re still together as happy renters in 2013 while many of our naysayers have either lost their homes, broken up with their spouses, or done both.

What is preferable is for every couple to have some tiny space that is their own.  And we all know implicitly how to give people space – either literally or figuratively.

And Finally:

STRATEGERY

Pick and Choose your Battles

Choose wisely.

Choose wisely.

I hate to quote Will Ferrell quoting George W. Bush on anything but — ya gotta use strategery when arguing .  In non-Dubya language that means that you weigh what’s really important.

Every couple must argue, or worse yet, fight.   If you consistently say nothing, you’re a Stepford spouse and everyone knows what happened to that hideous remake (Oh, Bette). Yet if you scream and yell all the time you’ll be Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton in Edward Albee’s Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?, entwined in a codependent hell of your own making without any acclaim or awards to show for it.

Some things that bug the crap out of you may not be worth bringing up.  Other small things might be. But, as the years go by, you figure it out.  You learn how to say it without becoming a George or a Martha.  As Joe Mankiewicz famously wrote in All About Eve – one has to learn that what is attractive onstage need not necessarily be attractive off. 

The good thing about arguing is that you get to make up.

And the good thing about a long-term relationship that works is that you reach a point where you become too wise to sweat the small stuff.   You learn what is important.  If only for you and your S. I. of choice.